I have a hard time asking for what I want and always have. Sometimes it is fear of rejection by being told ‘no’. Sometimes it is fear of making someone else uncomfortable and then maybe they will not like me. Whatever the excuse is, it is based in fear. At some point in life I needed or wanted something and was rejected, told no, lost a friend, upset someone, a relationship failed. Those times imprinted memories and created circuitry in my brain that bad things would continue to happen and I would not get what I needed or wanted in life. Of course, there were also many more times I asked for what I wanted and I got it. For every ‘no’ I likely got 10x more yesses. My brain wants to avoid pain, so that one negative time was much more impactful than those 10 positive results. Over years I learned my needs and wants were not important to others, despite having little evidence to support that thought. I also learned that if I wanted or needed something I would have to get it myself, which is sometimes true, although a much harder way of living through extreme effort to do everything alone. — - I am a social creature built for cooperation and support. Sure some people don’t live that way and will take advatange of me, hurt me or use me. Many more people in my life have been there to support me, help me with my dreams, goals and vision. More times though I have decided to keep to myself and sit in silence desperately want to share, only to not to. Holding all of my wants and needs insides, hoping they would come true, hoping others would read my mind, hoping I could do it all by myself only led to a life of quiet desperation. This desperation would ultimately end in resentment, anger and self-destructive behavior. I was reinforcing I was not worthy of getting my needs and wants met by the world. As a result I would not give to the world, give in relationships, give as a parent, give as a business partner, give as a human. I did not love myself, did not believe anyone loved me and then was empty and incapable of giving love. With a mindset not loving others, it made sense in my mind no one loved me back. It was an extremely lonely way of living. — - As a child, young man and adult I bought into this meme that men do not need anything. That men are strong and by asking for help a man shows he is weak. I thought I could become this stand alone mountain capable of giving myself everything and never needing others. This is absolutely wrong from my experience. There is no way I could possibly give myself all of my needs and wants in life. I cannot grow my own food, I cannot provide my own water, I do not provide the sunlight, I do not tell my cells to divide and grow or my immune system to function to keep me healthy. My quest to be a 100% independent entity seprate from the world was a futile and ignorant goal. It does not make me less of a man to ask for help or to need others. I need the sun, the earth, the farmer, the rancher, the water company worker, the electrical company worker, the sewer company worker, the police officer, the firefighter, the teacher, the coach… I need you. In return when I have something to give — talent, skill, resources, time, love — then you need me to. — - I have never really known what I wanted in life. Most of my past wants were based on building this island for myself where I did not need you. Mostly my wants were resource based — stockpiling food, material possessions, money, business contacts and things which when I had enough of them, then I could be an island and feel safe. There is never enough of those things and I never felt safe. I feel safe when I love myself and have close, loving relationships. — - What I want now is to help a million people in some way, large or small. I want to give love and be a positive impact on this world while I am here. That is why I write, to give. To really live I have to ask as well. To have a balance between giving and receiving. To only give and never receive is not living in balance. I don’t like to sell because I do not like to ask and be vulnerable in that moment. I cannot help a million people without asking or promoting what I have to offer. I believe what I have to offer is of value and can help others — my writing, my books, my coaching, my knowledge, my resources, my talents, my skills and my love. Putting myself out there is vulnerable and a challenge most of the time. Writing a book was easy, promoting it not so much. I have learned if I never ask for anything I will never get anything. I cannot help people if I do not put myself out there to you. I am asking you to help me reach my goal of helping a million people by buying my book now. It’s only $0.99 on Kindle or $5.77 for the paperback. Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First Will you help me by sharing my information with a friend you think needs health and wellness coaching? email@example.com 314–610–4146 Will you help me by asking me what I can help you with today?
Originally published at doughilbert.blogspot.com on November 6, 2015.