Have you heard the news? Annual Performance Review has died.
Annual Performance Review (APR) died last Sunday after a decades-long reign over Human Resources. He is perhaps best remembered for the millions of hours he spent categorizing people into meaningless buckets and alienating workers around the world.
Nick-named “Ranking” by his very few friends and confidants, APR had been suffering for the last few years from several chronic conditions, including subjectivity, silo-mentality, bureaucracy, posturing, detachment, and gaming the system. Though bed-bound for weeks, APR kept working until the end. He was found smiling and hugging an iPad open to one of his favorite spreadsheets, which qualitatively ranked employees at the multinational company he had been advising
Reaction to his death has been pouring in from around the world. Openness, Candor and Opportunity Costs — all vocal opponents of APR, took to Twitter:
Growth-Planning, who has flourished with international acclaim in recent years, shared a haunting picture of a leader mentoring a junior employee with patience and wisdom during their regular, monthly check-in. Within an hour, the image became a symbol for Leaders seeking to live in a new corporate culture devoid of APR’s grip.
APR’s memorial service will not take place until next year. His will stipulated that those wishing to attend must apply online and be ranked in the top 5% of mourners (as determined by an algorithm he worked on for years). Those wishing to speak must show proof of a TED Talk with at least five million views. Would-be speakers will also be required to interview with APR’s appointed Global Leadership Team (GLT) and demonstrate their ability to show his life as “well above the mean.”
APR was born in the late 1960s to parents Rigid and Structure. Both were activists inside large companies throughout the 1980s. APR earned his PhD in Hierarchy from the University of High-Costs and Unclear-ROI in 1993. There, he studied under the famous academics, Microsoft Excel and Pivot Table.
APR is survived by several younger siblings and numerous cousins. All declined to be interviewed for this article, though one cousin did remark for the record: “Whatever we told APR we were most proud of always came back to haunt us, so we just smiled and left him alone.”
The family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, mourners subjectively rank people in their community or companies from lowest to highest value. Newly empowered employees have, however, rejected this request and begun to walk arm-in-arm into their offices around the world. According to several sources, water coolers are becoming hubs for recovering employees to share, convene, and dream again about why they joined their companies and how they hope to grow.