London and the Anxiety Threshold

The reason I had to leave London and why it was the best thing I ever did

Last year, after 6 years, I left the city life I had always dreamed of living. I built a successful Civil Service career in London as a government policy & strategy advisor, at 26 I put roots down and bought a £0.5m apartment. Two years later, I decided I had to leave London.

Working in Civil Service I felt like every single day was meaningful and had purpose. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else.

I joined in 2009 as a 17 year old with mediocre GCSE level qualifications, I started in an admin role, moved to Newcastle on promotion as a Business Analyst a few years later, a couple of years after that I moved to London as a PA for a Director, which led to further promotions into strategic policy roles.

I had a varied and interesting career in policy areas like Brexit, Broadband, Cyber Security, Immigration, and Tax Evasion. I enjoyed the prestige of working in the beautiful stone buildings on Whitehall. I attended meetings and events at No. 9, No. 10, and No. 11 Downing Street.

I was on a positive trajectory, I had a great reputation and wide professional network. My mentor (a Director and member of the Senior Civil Service), told me I was fast approaching Director level and would be there in a few more short years.

Work-life balance was great too, I regularly enjoyed the world class dining and cocktail bars with friends. I went to the parks, museums, and theatres (Miss Saigon being an all time favourite I went to see several times) on a regular basis. I loved walking along the Thames, stopping at All-Bar-One for beer & nachos and heading on to Tower Bridge to enjoy the sun.

Despite all of this my love for London was dwindling.

“Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.”
— Samuel Johnson

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and there have been several major mental health crises I’ve had to learn to overcome throughout my working life.

I had my first full blown panic attack around 2013. I was 21 at the time and was visiting my mum at her house, I was tired and hungover from the night before, just generally a bit agitated. This agitation led to perceived discomfort in my chest. Which I started focussing on. I started to worry something was wrong with my heart. My heart rate started to increase. I might be having a heart attack. Temperature rising. Anxiety increasing. Thoughts racing. I am having a heart attack. Anxiety skyrocketing. I am losing my mind. Panic attack.

Shortly after this I went on medication and did some soul-searching; took a sabbatical and went travelling in South-East Asia.

This was the first thing I learned about myself and my anxiety; sometimes I just need a break. It was impossible for me to work out what led to that tipping point while still immersed in the environment that triggered it. Taking a step back I was able to work out what was going well in my life, what wasn’t going so well, and what I could do about it.

It was this step back that led to seeking out opportunities outside of my hometown. Resulting in my move from Scotland to Newcastle, and eventual move to London.

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
— Alexander Den Heijer

London and the Anxiety Threshold

The second and most important thing I learned about my anxiety is that there is a threshold. It took me a long time to realise this, maybe because of the generally poor quality of care for mental health issues in the UK, maybe because I was too busy with work, or maybe because I just didn’t want to.

Much of the advice and therapy I’ve received over the years asked me to think about “triggers”. A perceived threat or danger that starts the cycle of anxious thinking. I’ve learned that it can be hard to pinpoint specific triggers, that there can be a whole host of environmental factors and smaller agitations that can add up to reach a critical mass.

There’s delays on the Jubilee line. The carriage is over crowded. There’s a heatwave today and it’s so hot and sweaty. Someone nearby has a heavy cold and is coughing and sneezing all over you. Someone else decides you might enjoy the music that they enjoy and so play it on loudspeaker while you’re trying to read. The escalators at your destination station are out of service, you’re already hot, sweaty and agitated, and now you have 3 flights of stairs to climb. You haven’t even reached the office yet.

This was all fine for a while, several years even, but it started to become problematic. I would start having panic attacks, headaches, or even migraines on the tube. It started affecting my sleep, and my personal relationships. I had reached the threshold.

The biggest problem with living with anxiety in London is this: once you’ve reached the threshold it’s impossible to come back down. There’s no getting away from the hustle and bustle. There’s no avoiding the insufferable conditions on the tube in summer. There’s no escaping the loud sirens and flashing blues. There’s no avoiding the crowds.

It takes the human body hours and hours to get rid of the anxiety neurotransmitter, adrenaline, that it takes seconds for it to release. The commute adds adrenaline, the job adds adrenaline, the commute home adds adrenaline, the noisy neighbours add adrenaline, the sirens so loud you can’t hear your TV add adrenaline. By this point there is no hope of sleeping well. So before you’re even out of bed, the next day begins a notch closer to the threshold.

Leaving London

Where can I go if not London? I always thought I wanted a busy city lifestyle and I couldn’t wait to leave Scotland. Having lived that life for a while I realised there’s no place like home.

I missed the countryside and wide open spaces, I missed the friendly smiles in the street. I missed cold weather (yes, honestly) and real seasons. I missed my family. Perhaps most of all I missed having a home in which I could unwind from the day. I missed Scotland.

I was fortunate that the years of perseverance, hard work and luck in London meant that not only was this move financially viable, I could also afford to change career due to a combination of savings and moving to a place with significantly lower cost of living.

Career Change

Software engineering has been a hobby of mine since before I started high-school and I had become dis-enamoured with Civil Service following the Brexit vote and ever changing Prime Minister and Cabinet (in the final 3 years I worked under as many Prime Ministers). But it was still highly important to me to continue doing work I found meaningful, that had purpose and made a positive impact on society.

Realising I was under-qualified, I spent a few months taking online courses in the evenings to beef up my credentials. I used Udacity for this, the course content is created by leading experts, and the price point is high which motivated me to finish once I’ve started (this post is not sponsored in any way). I created a portfolio of projects on github to demonstrate my new skills to potential employers.

After sending out a dozen or so applications to startups in Glasgow and Edinburgh, I heard back from Passio. Passio is a digital agency that builds accessible technology, which highly aligned with my own purpose and desire to continue doing meaningful work. Passio also aspires to be a Teal organisation, valuing diversity (including neurodiversity), wholeness, autonomy, and accessibility.

A couple of interviews later, I joined Passio.

I had accomplished a dream. I had left London. I had turned my hobby into my job. And I found some of the best people I could have wished for to work with. I had found an organisation to work for that I could truly belong to, and that wouldn’t exclude me because of my anxiety.

What next?

I’m grateful every day for the amazing clients I have the opportunity to work with. To work on the innovative products and ideas that transform the lives of disabled and neurodiverse people is nothing short of an honour.

Recently, after 18 months at Passio, I was appointed Director of Operations. This new role will allow me to tie together my strategic and analytical experience from working in Civil Service with my passions for software engineering and accessible technology.

I’m really excited about the future and the plans we have at Passio for technology that will improve the lives of people living with a range of disabilities, neurological differences, and daily challenges.

I’m glad I lived in London, without it I wouldn’t have had the opportunities I have today. But leaving London was the best thing I ever did.

“London is a splendid place to live in for those who can get out of it.”
— Lord Balfour of Burleigh

Follow me on Twitter to learn more about how I managed and continue to manage a successful busy career despite an anxiety disorder, and about the exciting projects and technology we build and use at Passio.