Beyond Sex: The Surprising Benefits of Consensual Non-Monogamy
Non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is a relationship orientation or way of being that is becoming increasingly popular. While many people assume that the main reason for choosing CNM is for sexual reasons, an analysis of the perceived benefits of CNM my colleagues and I published revealed that simply is not true. We asked 175 people currently engaged in CNM to list up to five benefits of their relationship type and found that there are seven non-sexual reasons that were endorsed more frequently than sex.
Our findings revealed that most of the advantages were linked to social and emotional aspects of relationships. For instance, the leading benefit was possessing a more extensive social network, which was endorsed by 61% of participants. This was followed by facilitating more honesty in their relationships, which was chosen by 56% of respondents as a key benefit.
Next was satisfy a broader range of personal needs (55%), followed by experiencing a more diverse range of non-sexual activities (51%), having more autonomy and independence in their life (50%), receiving more emotional support (43%), and promoting transparent and sincere communication (43%).
Fascinatingly, our research revealed that the foremost sex-related factor (enhanced variety of sex and experimentation) was merely the eighth most frequently mentioned reason for selecting consensual non-monogamy, with 41% of respondents deeming it a primary advantage. In our study, we identified 25 perceived benefits of consensual non-monogamy and sex-related reasons only accounted for three of the benefits. The other two sex-related benefits — experiencing better/high-quality sex and a higher frequency of sex — were endorsed by 17% and 15% of participants, respectively.
This data collectively challenges the widespread notion that individuals primarily engage in non-monogamous relationships for sexual motivations alone. This is simply not the case. While sex may be an important aspect of consensual non-monogamy for many, it is not the predominant priority for the majority choosing this type of relationship.
When addressing consensual non-monogamy, it is crucial to provide an accurate portrayal and recognize the genuine reasons and benefits individuals express for engaging in such relationships.
Why Might People Be Inclined to Sexualize Consensual Non-Monogamy
One possible psychological theory that could explain why people want to stigmatize CNM by making it about sex is social identity theory. According to this theory, people tend to identify with certain groups and form an in-group bias, which leads to the stigmatization of out-groups. Groups, after all, give us a sense of social identity and a sense of belonging to the social world. We have a tendency to divide the world into “them” and “us” based on a process of social categorization. In this case, those who engage in CNM may be perceived as an out-group by those who adhere to traditional monogamous relationships, leading to highlighting or emphasizing a controversial aspect of CNM.
Another psychological theory that could explain this phenomenon is the theory of cognitive dissonance. According to this theory, people tend to avoid information or situations that conflict with their beliefs and values. In this case, those who are drawn to or believe in traditional monogamous relationships may avoid or reject the idea of CNM as being valid because it conflicts with their belief that monogamy is the ideal or only acceptable way to form a secure relationship.
Respect
It’s important to remember that everyone’s experiences and motivations are different. In relationships, people feel respected when their choices are respected, whether they opt for consensual non-monogamy or monogamy. Each individual and couple must find their unique path, one that feels authentic and aligned with their values and desires. Neither monogamy or non-monogamy are inherently good or bad, better or worse. When it comes to understanding someone’s decisions around relationships, it can be valuable to approach them with a sense of respect, curiosity, and compassion. Ultimately, the key is to create relationships that are sustainable, fulfilling, and nurturing for all involved.
This data provides valuable insight into the motivations behind CNM and challenges the assumption that it is solely a sexual lifestyle choice. It highlights that there are many non-sexual reasons that people choose CNM, and that it can provide a wide range of benefits for those who practice it.
In today’s world, we have an opportunity to honor the range of human experiences and the unique factors that are driving them create their own secure relationship structures. By examining our preconceptions, we can foster greater understanding and empathy for the variety of relationship possibilities that exist. Ultimately, this approach can lead to deeper connection, greater satisfaction, and more fulfilling relationships for all involved.
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Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., is a licensed counseling psychologist, Co-founder and Executive Director of the Modern Family Institute, Affiliate Faculty at the Kinsey Institute, Co-chair of the APA Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy, and Co-founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition.
Dr. Heath also has a private practice where he supports all families and relationships with compassion and science. Schedule a consultation here if you are interested in working with Dr. Heath.
