Dispelling Assumptions: A Simple Fix for the Most Common Mistake in Therapy with Non-monogamous Clients
In the field of therapy, understanding a client’s individual life context is a foundational pillar for providing effective care. Yet, a significant challenge has come to light regarding the way therapists perceive and respond to their clients’ relationship structures, particularly for those engaged in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.
My colleagues and I conducted a survey of 249 CNM therapy clients and the results revealed some troubling trends. Over a third of these clients had deliberately sought out a therapist who was CNM-affirming, resulting in better treatment outcomes. However, 25% of therapists were considered unhelpful, nearly one-third lacked the basic knowledge of CNM necessary to provide helpful therapy, and about one in ten CNM clients prematurely terminated therapy due to a negative experience related to their relationship structure.
One of the most common mistakes we’re seeing in therapy is the assumption of monogamy. A striking 41% of therapists in our study fell into this trap, incorrectly assuming their CNM clients were monogamous. It points to a widespread problem in our profession — an implicit bias towards monogamy — which needs rectification to elevate the quality of therapeutic care.
Addressing this issue is straightforward and entirely achievable. The solution starts with the therapist refraining from making assumptions about a client’s relationship orientation.
By introducing direct queries about a client’s relationship structure into therapy discussions or intake questionnaires, we can significantly enhance the therapeutic experience. Here are six reasons why:
- Reducing Misidentification: By asking about a client’s relationship structure, therapists can significantly decrease the chances of making incorrect assumptions.
- Facilitating Safer Disclosure: Clients who are exploring or in the early stages of discovering their relationship orientation may experience some fear about disclosing or discussing their curiosity or identity with CNM. Some (but not all) clients may feel more comfortable selecting from a list of relationship structure options on an intake form than they are discussing it in person.
- Signaling CNM Awareness and Validating Experiences: The simple act of inquiring about a client’s relationship structure not only signals to clients that your practice acknowledges and respects the diversity of relationship structures, but it also serves to validate the experiences and identities of CNM clients. In a largely mononormative cultural context, this action communicates acceptance, understanding, and respect.
- Promoting In-Session Disclosure: Encouraging clients to discuss their relationship structure can foster more open and relevant conversations during therapy sessions.
- Increasing Awareness Among Staff and Non-CNM Clients: This small addition to an intake form can serve as an educational tool, subtly increasing awareness, normalizing diverse relationship structures, and helping to reduce prejudice.
- Data Collection for Improvement: To better serve CNM clients, we need data. Asking about relationship structure is the first step towards collecting this essential information.
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Recognizing the crucial need for this evolution in our field, my colleagues and I at the American Psychological Association (APA) Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-monogamy have developed an accessible guide with suggested best practices for evaluating relationship diversity on demographic forms. Our goal in creating this guide was to equip practitioners with practical tools and strategies to help them foster a more inclusive and understanding therapeutic environment.
We firmly believe that by acknowledging and embracing relationship diversity, we can not only prevent harmful assumptions from clouding our therapeutic practice, but also significantly enhance the overall therapeutic experience for our clients engaged in diverse relationship structures.
You can check out the rest of the Committee’s resources here.
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As therapists and counselors, we have an opportunity — and responsibility — to evolve with the diverse relationship structures of the 21st century. The assumption of monogamy can no longer be our default stance. Our clients deserve an open-minded approach that validates their unique relationship experiences and identities.
It’s our duty to create a safe space for all clients, and that begins by recognizing and challenging our own biases. Whether you’re a professional in the field or a student in training, I urge you to consider how you can contribute to this positive shift.
Integrating inquiries about relationship orientation into your practice is a straightforward initial step that can significantly enhance the understanding and connection between you and your clients.
Because it’s not just about being informed — it’s about being inclusive, being accepting, and, above all, being a better ally to our clients.
Let’s challenge assumptions, foster understanding, and ultimately elevate our practice. After all, we can only help our clients navigate their world if we truly understand it.
If you’re ready to embark on a coaching or therapeutic journey where understanding and diversity are prioritized, I invite you to get in touch with my practice. Let’s make space for all forms of love and relationship structures.
Citation:
Schechinger, H. A., Sakaluk, J. K., & Moors, A. C. (2018). Harmful and helpful therapy practices with consensually non-monogamous clients: Toward an inclusive framework. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 86(11), 879–891. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000349
Dr. Heath Schechinger is a therapist, coach, researcher, and consultant, known for his groundbreaking work within the realm of family and relationship diversity. He serves as the Founding Co-Chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-monogamy and as a Co-Founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition. As Affiliate Faculty at the renowned Kinsey Institute and a Board Member for the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, he further amplifies his impact. For over a decade, Dr. Schechinger has explored the intricate dynamics of human relationships through his research and therapeutic practice, spanning monogamous to non-monogamous family and relationship structures. His work sheds light on the elements that cultivate healthy relationships and the rising trend of non-nuclear family and relationship configurations, including polyamory and platonic co-parenting, among others.
Schedule a consultation here if you are interested in working with Dr. Schechinger.
