From Whom to How: Expanding the Discourse on Sexual and Relationship Orientations

The terrain of human connection is vast and varied. In our quest to understand the complexities of human connection, new and refined perspectives in the realm of sexuality and relationships have emerged, shedding light on previously overlooked nuances. At the center of this evolving discourse lies a question: Can one’s inclination towards consensual non-monogamy be considered a part of their sexual or relationship orientation?

Historically, society’s comprehension of sexual orientation was primarily anchored in gender attraction. But as our understanding deepens, we recognize that these frameworks may not capture the totality of human desire. For example, our increased awareness of gender diversity has expanded our awareness of the limitations of a binary conceptualization of gender. Numerous narratives have also surfaced from those engaged in consensual non-monogamy, painting a portrait of individuals who feel innately predisposed to a non-monogamous relational structure. The experiences shared by many in the consensual non-monogamy community are reminiscent of the disclosure or coming-out processes familiar to the LGBTQ+ community.

Society has indeed made strides in acknowledging and accepting the diversity of sexual orientation, which is a significant milestone. However, the conversation often stops at the “who” — who we love or are attracted to. Now, it seems timely to also focus on the “how” — the structure and dynamics of our relationships, whether they be monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere on the spectrum in between. Relationship orientation is an important issue of psychological well-being and societal health, as the form a relationship takes can be as impactful on an individual’s life as the gender of the person they’re involved with.

By broadening the conversation to include relationship orientation, we can foster a more inclusive and nuanced understanding of human connections. This could be a pivotal next step in the evolution of how we think about relationships.

What Constitutes an ‘Orientation’?
Before we delve further into the nuances of relationship orientation, it’s crucial to establish what we mean by the term ‘orientation’ itself. In the broadest sense, an orientation serves as a stable yet potentially fluid framework that guides an individual’s attractions, behaviors, and identities in relation to others. It’s akin to a compass that, while not dictating every step one takes, provides a general direction for one’s journey.

Core Components of an Orientation

• Innate Predisposition: An orientation often manifests as a deep-seated inclination, suggesting that it’s not merely a choice but rather an integral part of one’s identity.
• Consistency Over Time: While orientations can be fluid, they generally display a level of consistency across different life stages and situations.
• Affective, Behavioral, and Cognitive Elements: Orientations encompass emotional attractions, patterns of behavior, and cognitive beliefs or attitudes. For example, in sexual orientation, this might include not just whom you are attracted to (affective), but also whom you form relationships with (behavioral) and how you identify (cognitive).
• Social and Cultural Context: An orientation doesn’t exist in isolation but is shaped and expressed within specific social, cultural, and even legal contexts.

The Multidimensional Nature of Orientation
It’s also worth noting that orientations are multidimensional. One can have a sexual orientation that is independent yet interconnected with their relationship orientation. For instance, a person might identify as bisexual in their sexual orientation while being polyamorous in their relationship orientation. These dimensions offer a kaleidoscopic view of human diversity, where each individual’s orientation is a unique combination of various facets.

By understanding what constitutes an ‘orientation,’ we can better appreciate the complexities of terms like ‘sexual orientation’ and ‘relationship orientation.’ This foundational knowledge allows for a more nuanced discussion and aids in the deconstruction of societal norms and biases that often limit our understanding of human relationships.

Consensual Non-monogamy and Sexual Orientation
Advancements in theoretical research, such as Dr. Sari Van Anders’ Sexual Configurations Theory, integrates how individuals structure their relationships, and therefore offers a more holistic perspective, suggesting that sexual orientation isn’t solely confined to gender attraction. This theory encompasses a range of factors from the attraction to gender and body to partner numbers and sexual preferences, like kink. Notably, the theory integrates the possibility of fluidity, echoing the idea that human attractions can ebb and flow over time. Just as one’s attraction to a particular gender might evolve, so too can one’s affinity for consensual non-monogamy.

Consensual Non-monogamy as Relationship Orientation
Delving deeper into the spectrum of human connection, another intriguing perspective suggests consensual non-monogamy might best be understood as a “relationship orientation.” Relationship orientation can encompass both monogamous and non-monogamous inclinations. Within this framework, relationship orientation encapsulates one’s overarching pattern of emotional and romantic connections, considering both the quantity and quality of relationships. This perspective illuminates the notion that some might have a persistent desire for multiple concurrent romantic or sexual relationships.

Harmonizing Sexual and Relationship Orientations
In synthesizing these perspectives, we find that consensual non-monogamy can simultaneously be conceptualized as a facet of sexual orientation, especially when viewed through the lens of the Sexual Configurations Theory, and as an independent yet interconnected construct of relationship orientation.

This broadened understanding advocates for the multifaceted nature of our relational and sexual identities. Just as the colors of the rainbow signify unity in diversity, the interplay between sexual and relationship orientations showcases the boundless spectrum of human experiences in love and connections.

In essence, it is crucial to recognize the confluence of these orientations. An individual might resonate with a certain sexual orientation concerning gender preferences while aligning with a specific relationship orientation. By acknowledging the intricacies of consensual non-monogamy within this intricate dance between orientations, we enrich our understanding of human relationships. Such enlightenment not only fosters acceptance but beckons further exploration into the vast dimensions of human connection.

Embracing the various threads that make up the tapestry of human relationships allows for a richer, more inclusive narrative. It’s a story that, as we continually discover, has many chapters yet to be written.

Recognition of Relationship Orientation within Psychology
As our understanding of human connections deepens, the field of psychology is starting to evolve to recognize the significance of relationship orientation. While the concept of sexual orientation has been widely explored and understood, the recognition of relationship orientation represents a more recent development.

In the past, discussions on relationship dynamics primarily centered around monogamous partnerships, often overlooking the diversity of relational structures. However, contemporary psychological perspectives are starting to embrace the complexities of human connections, including those that diverge from the traditional monogamous paradigm.

Psychological researchers and clinicians have begun to explore the nuances of relationship structures, recognizing that individuals have diverse patterns of forming and maintaining emotional, romantic, and sexual bonds. This recognition acknowledges that relationship patterns are not only influenced by sexual attraction but are shaped by personal preferences, values, and life experiences.

The emergence of studies exploring various relationship styles, such as consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships, demonstrates psychology’s commitment to understanding the multifaceted nature of human connections. Therapeutic approaches and interventions have also adapted to accommodate individuals seeking support for navigating non-traditional relationship structures.

As the field of psychology continues to evolve, the recognition of relationship orientation contributes to a more comprehensive understanding of human relationships and identities. This recognition underscores the importance of validating diverse relationship experiences, fostering inclusivity, and offering tailored support for individuals seeking to navigate the complex landscape of human connections.

In essence, the recognition of relationship orientation within psychology is a testament to the discipline’s commitment to embracing the richness of human experiences and promoting a more holistic approach to understanding and supporting individuals in their relational journeys.

Dr. Heath Schechinger, Co-Founder and Executive Director of the Modern Family Institute, is an internationally recognized coach, therapist, researcher, and consultant who specializes in the dynamic field of family and relationship diversity. With over a decade devoted to studying the intricate mechanics of both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, and his groundbreaking research and clinical practice cover a myriad of relationship configurations, including polyamory, platonic co-parenting, and other non-nuclear family structures.

Dr. Schechinger holds additional influential roles that substantively contribute to both the academic and advocacy landscapes. He serves as the Founding Co-Chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-monogamy, leveraging his expertise to inform best practices and public understanding. As a Co-Founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, he actively contributes to pioneering legal initiatives aimed at recognizing and protecting diverse family and relationship configurations. Furthermore, he enriches interdisciplinary scholarship as an Affiliate Faculty member at the distinguished Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and bolsters advocacy efforts through his board membership with the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy.

Driven by a commitment to facilitating greater understanding and acceptance of modern family and relationship structures, Dr. Schechinger’s work serves as a catalyst for both academic discourse and practical support. His initiatives pave the way for a more nuanced understanding of what constitutes a healthy, fulfilling relationship in contemporary society.