The Power of Safe Spaces: Discussing Attraction in Relationships

How creating a non-judgmental environment can lead to deeper connections and mutual understanding

Attraction is a natural, human experience that doesn’t magically vanish once we enter a committed relationship. As a therapist, I often encounter clients who struggle with feelings of guilt and fear surrounding their attraction to others outside their relationship. Many of my clients feel guilty or as if they are betraying their partner by having these thoughts. The truth is, attraction to others in a relationship is quite common.

In this study, nearly three out of four women reported they experienced some kind of attraction toward someone other than their partner while in a long-term relationship. The majority of women reported the crush did not impact their primary relationship and reported it actually improved their desire for their partner.

The majority of women in this study did not communicate with their partners about their crushes. Discussing attraction to someone else with our partner can be intimidating and many feel guilty or shameful about it. My colleagues and I published a study highlighting how, for many, this internalized guilt or shame can negatively impact their mental health and relationship.

Shifting Perspectives: Normalizing Non-Monogamous Attraction

In today’s relationship landscape, many find it profoundly helpful to recognize and normalize feelings of non-monogamous attraction. Society has often held monogamous relationships as the gold standard, inadvertently casting shadows on the myriad of genuine and natural attractions many individuals experience. Such societal expectations can lead individuals to suppress or feel guilty about their emotions, resulting in unnecessary internal turmoil.

Understanding and accepting that feelings of attraction to others don’t diminish the love, commitment, or satisfaction in one’s primary relationship is a significant leap forward. In fact, confronting such feelings can even lead to a richer connection between partners when handled with empathy and understanding. Stigmatizing or ignoring these feelings only promotes an environment where silence and secrecy prevail.

Building Trust: Navigating Feelings and Fears

Many individuals, fearing judgment or misunderstanding, often choose to conceal such feelings from their partners. This approach, rooted in anticipation of negativity, hinders open discussions about genuine emotions, desires, and boundaries, all of which are crucial for maintaining a healthy and trusting relationship.

For couples, whether they’re merely understanding their feelings or contemplating non-monogamy, it’s imperative to cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance and open dialogue. In doing so, they make room for deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual growth. By allowing both partners to navigate their feelings within a supportive and understanding framework, relationships can truly flourish in authenticity.

Therapeutic Insights: Strategies for Strengthened Bonds

In an effort to promote emotional well-being and healthy relationships, I often work with clients to create a safe, non-judgmental environment in which they can gently discuss their feelings of attraction to others.

By fostering open communication, empathy, and trust, especially around attraction to others, couples can deepen their emotional connections, set healthy boundaries, and prevent conflicts. Embracing vulnerability and addressing these feelings proactively can lead to greater intimacy and a stronger bond within the relationship.

In the following sections, I explore the importance of discussing attraction, the benefits of a safe space, and tips for creating that environment within your relationship.

The Nuance of Attraction in Relationships

1. The Dance of Honesty and Trust: At the heart of every enduring relationship lies the delicate dance of open communication. It’s in this dance that we assure our partners of our transparency, making space for both the spoken and the unspoken, thereby addressing the shadows of insecurity and potential jealousy.
2. Emotional Landscapes: By sharing our feelings of attraction beyond our primary relationship, we engage in a journey of self and relational discovery. It’s an invitation to deepen our emotional connection and cultivate a renewed empathy for each other.
3. Crafting Boundaries: Engaging in conversations about our attractions sets the stage for co-creating boundaries. This mutual endeavor ensures that both partners navigate the relationship terrain with a shared map, feeling valued and acknowledged.
4. Transforming Conflict: Bottled-up emotions, especially attractions, can ferment, leading to guilt and tension. By creating a haven for these conversations, we can preemptively diffuse potential conflicts, turning them into opportunities for growth.

The Sanctuary of a Safe Space

1. Moving Beyond Shame: A genuine safe space provides a refuge from judgment, where emotions can breathe freely. It’s here that the burdens of guilt and shame, often associated with attractions elsewhere, find their release, paving the way for authentic communication.
2. The Deepening of Emotional Bonds: When we dare to share our innermost feelings and thoughts, we weave an even tighter emotional fabric between us and our partner, enhancing the relationship’s resilience.
3. A Journey Inward: Delving into our feelings and understanding their impact on our relationships becomes a path to personal evolution and blossoming.
4. Forestalling Disputes: Addressing issues head-on, even when they seem contentious, keeps misunderstandings at bay, preventing them from snowballing into larger conflicts.

Cultivating an Atmosphere of Understanding

1. The Art of Listening: Nurturing a genuine space involves the refined art of active listening — immersing oneself completely in the partner’s narrative, validating their feelings with your undivided attention.
2. The Compass of Non-Judgment: Venture into these dialogues with an open heart, devoid of judgments. Embrace understanding over advice, cherishing the unique perspective your partner offers.
3. Walking in Their Shoes: Strive for empathy. Feel the terrain your partner treads, envisioning their emotional landscape. Such efforts create a milieu where understanding flourishes, and respect is mutual.
4. Anchors of Assurance: Consistently anchor your partner in the sea of your care and reassurance. This assurance becomes the bedrock upon which they can confidently share their feelings.
5. Crafting the Conversation Blueprint: As partners, decide on the guiding principles for these discussions. Opt for language that is inclusive and non-accusatory, making every conversation an exploration rather than an interrogation.

Conclusion

In the intricate dance of intimacy, the challenge is not to eliminate the unknown but to embrace it. It’s in the delicate balance between safety and novelty, closeness and mystery, that relationships find their vitality. Conversations about attraction to others can be both unsettling and enlightening, a mirror reflecting not only our desires but our insecurities. It’s a courageous endeavor to create spaces in which we allow our partner to be both familiar and new to us. By choosing to embark on this journey, we not only protect our relationships from hidden resentments but also open doors to deeper understanding and connection. The path is rarely easy, but it is the journey itself that often brings couples closer together.

Dr. Heath Schechinger is an international coach, therapist, researcher, and consultant, known for his groundbreaking work within the realm of family and relationship diversity. He serves as the Founding Co-Chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-monogamy, Co-Founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, Affiliate Faculty at the Kinsey Institute, and a Board Member for the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy. For over a decade, Dr. Schechinger has explored the intricate dynamics of human relationships through his research and therapeutic practice, spanning monogamous to non-monogamous family and relationship structures. His work sheds light on the elements that cultivate healthy relationships and the rising trend of non-nuclear family and relationship configurations, including polyamory and platonic co-parenting, among others.