I’m Sorry, Mom!
It had been but four days and she failed. She failed where you never would have. She failed to love without the expectation of a return.
It was a business transaction that went awry because I chose happiness over despair. I chose to celebrate and honor my father’s life as I knew he’d want me to. In true Piscean fashion, I had already spent time day-dreaming about the opportunity I was being given due to the fact that the family home was now mine. I was contemplating remodeling financed through an equity loan. But as I began to inform the woman charged with looking over my sibling and me as if we were her own children, she took aim at my ideas and excitement. Without even blinking, she shot it down like an expert marksman shoots a duck or goose out of the sky. I responded angrily. It was then I was reminded that there are no “second moms.” We only have one mother.
Previously, all they had seen was a late arrival to a service that they needed to say their goodbyes, and they also noted the early departure from his final resting place. It was my last duty to him where my pops was concerned. In my mind, I met my responsibility as his first-born. I stayed by his side until it had all been said. I thanked those in attendance as was my duty as the dutiful son. But under no circumstances would I watch that casket be lowered. Someone had overruled my wishes. So I placed my rose on the casket and immediately made personal contact with those I hadn’t yet interacted with and left shortly after.
It was another opportunity to judge me and project their guilt and their despair over Dad’s passing. And because I find myself moving on with some ease, they choose to be offended and throw out accusations that I’m an ingrate. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I’m sorry, Mom! The comparison is offensive. You never would have abandoned me as she has chosen to. You never would have abandoned her daughter under the guise of feeling offended or disrespected.
You would have understood that we all mourn differently. You would have respected her right to mourn her father. You would not have added to her feelings of loss. You would have offered love and acceptance. I now understand why in spite of your strong demeanor you were the Tia they all flocked to. You were everyone’s Mom!
