From Drafted’s satirical archives…
4 Best Times to Wink During a Job Interview
The job interview is a daunting process, and it’s important to use everything at your disposal to get ahead. Ever since the famous 2014 study on the behavioral psychology impact of winking, there has not been enough literature supporting its use in the modern workplace. That’s why I’m about to tell you how to leverage this primal human cue to make sure that you secure that awesome new job.
1. When asking if you can remove your coat, but before sitting down.
This is the most important wink. It sets the right tone for the rest of the interview. It shows that not only are you polite, but implies you are smart and coordinated through your understanding of the timely closing of one eye while leaving the other open. It’s also a way to subtly break the ice and let the interviewer know that you are not just some jabrone off the streets, but you are the best candidate for this job. If you aren’t wearing a coat, you can also use this strategy with a jacket; but in this case you must be a little bit more confident when you do so and I usually suggest a faster 200ms wink.
The biggest disadvantage to this wink is that you typically only get the opportunity for the first interviewer you face. As far as the exact best time to deliver the wink, the most studied example is after delivering the word `coat` or `jacket`, which tests well across all different job verticals and shows no notable differences between genders.
2. As you begin answering the question `Tell me about yourself`
Most interviews include a segment where the interviewer asks about your experience. This can take many forms, so pay attention closely. The most common is ‘tell me about your last job’ or perhaps ‘tell me about your current experience.’ At this point, JUST as you begin speaking, you should execute a perfect wink. Eye selection does not matter here, do what is most comfortable.
The best part about this wink is that you typically get to do it for every interviewer. It comes with all of the standard wink ice breaking benefits, but most importantly this timing sets a friendly tone. You are about to talk about yourself, and you want to dull the tension of bigotry by letting the interviewer know you are both cool and relaxed. You are a team player, and this helps convey that.
3. On the *second* question that you ask of the interviewer
Historical data regressions suggest that you come prepared to ask questions during an interview. The most important part of this timing is that you DO NOT wink as you ask the first question. The interviewer cannot be distracted, they need to be engaged and think for themselves. You need to ask your question, sit patiently and pretend to listen to whatever the interviewer has to say, and nod slowly (again without winking) as if you both understand and care. After you think that he or she is done speaking, start asking the second question. The key wink delivery is halfway through this question, so make sure to rehearse carefully.
An example second question is `so how are the departments structured here?`. In this example, most empirical evidence suggests that you would wink either during `departments` or `structured`. We tested this timing, and 60/40 split suggests that you should deliver during `departments`, but I am not convinced this analysis was free of bias nor was the data statistically significant to a high enough P value.
4. When you ask about compensation
Finally, you need to wink only to the correct person in management who deals with your future compensation. At this point, you know that you have nailed the interview, and you need to know how you will be paid. Is it hourly or salary? What kind of healthcare? It’s best to deliver this wink when you first begin the topic. This also comes with a lot of differences, but industry-accepted phrasing is `…and what kind of compensation does this position have?`. Hands-down, the most important word to wink on is `compensation.` This has been shown to increase the initial offer given to a candidate by 7.2% — that’s not a difference to blink at.
Follow these tips and wink your way to a better future! I hope that you take a look at further research on this topic and strongly consider applying it to your next high profile interview. The real proof is in the eating of the pudding, and you’ll be seeing that when you are sipping a Piña colada on the beach of your first vacation from your new job. Or, if you prefer, just eating pudding. But it will be pudding from Whole Foods or some other really classy grocery store, and not your budget grocery store. Like, really nice pudding.
This article is satire and should not be taken seriously ;)
