Alcohol Didn’t Destroy My Marriage… continued…

Let’s be honest, Jason Momoa is the sexiest man on the planet and not because of his looks… I’m being serious. The way he loves and treats his mother, wife and children is what makes him sexy in my eyes. I am one of the fortunate ones who has had a very loving and doting father. It was hard at first when I grew up and realized that he was just a man; a human being with all the faults that the rest of us have, because he was so big and invincible in my eyes since the day I was born. ( according to my mother) I was told that I had changed his life that day. A man who grew up with brothers and step siblings ( one being female he could barely tolerate) and then to learn his first born was going to be a girl… that had to have hit him hard but my mother told me recently that he promised me while laying in his arms the day I was born that he would do anything in this life to protect me; no matter what. I’m 43 years old and he hasn’t let me down yet!

Not many of you know this but I’ve been out of work since April due to a work related neck injury that was misdiagnosed in the beginning, giving the workers comp company an out to deny coverage. As I write this, I head to Concord tomorrow for the hearing in front of the Labor Board with my lawyer. The diagnosis turned out to be much worse than we had expected and is a result of the mechanical stresses of Dental Hygiene. Thankfully my Dad and Lin are able and have been willing to keep me and the boys in our home by paying our bills all of this time. My dad calls it a Labor it Love. To him, it’s what you do, even when your daughter is a serious pain in the ass.

This is true with my Dad, Lin, Mom and Marty. Mom and Marty may not have been able to support financially but they have been there to help me emotionally, physically and mentally as well Dad and Lin have. I’m a very lucky girl. I know this and am so grateful that they are all a part of my and boys’ lives.

So getting back on topic here… Dad I used to get together all of the time for coffee, either at my house or his. We have kind of fallen off course at the end of my marriage because it was embarrassing that my Dad would come to my house at 9am and Dave would still be in bed. And, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t fun in the end to have Dave awake and participating in those morning coffee times because it was clear he no longer wanted to be a part of them.

Alcohol had been my vice and go-to to step out of reality, cheating on me for ten years with the same woman had been his. I’m being very honest when I tell you I never thought in a million years that he’d ever disrespect me in that way. His first wife had cheated on him with a woman before his first son was born and then again much later and she led him to believe that the girl she had delivered while married to him had actually been his for one year until he learned the truth; on his birthday, no less. And I thought him cheating on me was a real kick in the tits! Sheesh! Some never learn. David isn’t a bad guy. He sucks in relationships. I pity the next one he ends up with. But I love him because he is Ryan and Nick’s father and since we have separated, he has been nothing but good to me. The boys see that and it makes my heart melt. He just sucks as a partner. I’m sure his first wife will agree with me. But, alas, I’m not any better.

Early on in the marriage, my step sons were young. Michelle moved back to their hometown in Milford, Mass which was an hour and a half away. I’ve said it before, I understand the fact that she needed to be closer to family after the divorce but moving David’s boys away from him almost destroyed him. That man would work ten hour days, come home to shower and then head to Milford to watch one of them play in their game; only to come home at midnight and wake up at 7 to do it all over again. We spent a fortune on gas and Ryan, Nick and I barely ever saw him. When he was home, which was rare, it became harder and harder for us to connect. Again, I don’t blame him or even Michelle for moving the boys away. I get both sides. She needed family, he needed to be there for his older boys. I know for a fact that David would say I never begrudged him on going to Milford. I understood the importance. But I was young. Up until this point, my parents still didn’t get along. I still felt like I was the monkey in the middle of their divorce from years passed.

For many years when Ryan and Nick were growing up, the residents of the town we lived in probably thought I was a single parent because Dave was never there. He was either providing for us or taking care of his older two sons. One thing I can say positively about David is that that man loves all four of his boys with a passion and will do anything for them! And he truly was doing the best he could back then. I knew that then but I was lonely. I can’t count the number of times I could have cheated but that’s not me. Instead, I turned to alcohol. I was and am a functional drinker. I really hate the label and refuse to call myself an alcoholic. I’ll explain momentarily… my children were well fed, bathed and nicely clothed. I read bedtime stories every night and I participated in their school functions when worked allowed. As a Hygienist, I volunteered at Vernon Elementary to talk to the kindergarten children about proper hygiene and healthy eating on my days off.

Then, three very important and catastrophic events happened that truly changed the trajectory in my thinking and desires out of this life.

1. Nicholas, at the age of two, received second and third degree burns on his feet after dipping them into a recently burned brush pile(days before) while barefoot. Daycare provider had gone grocery shopping and had another care provider there at the time. We spent weeks going back and forth to the Shriners burn center in Boston because of this. The Doctors wanted us to stay there in Boston so they could watch him closely but I knew with my medical background and a close friend who was a surgical nurse that I could care for my baby better than anyone and that’s what I did. In fact, he healed very fast and the Doctor actually commended me on how well I had done and said she had been worried at first. Shame on her. LOL. That’s my baby we’re talking about. I literally didn’t touch his feet until I had washed my hands and donned on gloves.

I was calm, cool and collected throughout the entire time I was caring for him. I would have been one hell of an ER Doctor. The only problem is when the adrenaline wears off, I turn to alcohol to numb the experience. So glad I chose not to go that route.

2. April, 2008, Dave responded to a call of a mother throwing her children and herself into the raging rapids in Jamaica Vermont at 8 am. To make a long story short, he almost drowned trying to grab ahold of the six year old little girl as she floated lifeless towards him. Jamie Zargo became my hero that day. He had been able to grab ahold of Dave as Dave reached out and held onto the child and they all made it to land; only the child was already gone. David came home quickly at around 6 pm but had to go back for debriefing and he was high on adrenaline that night. To this day, he doesn’t feel like a hero. For 6 months he kept saying he was fine until that entire experience finally hit him. He wasn’t sleeping because when he did, he’d wake up in a full blown panic attack not being able to breathe. It turned our household upside down and it wasn’t his fault at all. Ryan was starting kindergarten, Nicky had just gone through hell with his feet and now this. I’m not an angel. I couldn’t handle all of this on my own. Truth be known, and David knows as we discussed this in therapy, I had been currently seeking out a divorce lawyer at that time because I was done playing second fiddle to Vermont State Police. Do not even get me started on the phone calls from dispatch in the middle of the night, waking up my entire family. I was done! But I couldn’t now leave him. He needed me but I sucked as his partner having had one foot out the door… David’s affair began in 2010, I learned this in 2014.

3. Fast forward to April 2015. Worst night of my life. My Dad and Lin arrived at my house unannounced to tell me that they found Scotty hanging the shed. He was dead.

I’m going to talk about this because it will really show you the family BS and dysfunction of my family up until this point. Let me tell you about Scotty first, though. Here he is with his wife, Tanya, the beautiful mother of my two nieces.

Scotty was charismatic, fun loving and the master of one liners! Scotty-too-hotty is what many called him. But he had demons; very dark demons. He started drinking at age 11 and was growing and selling pot in high school. He became friends with total asshats and idiots during this time. He was no saint, however. You are guilty by association, especially when you decide to partake in their bullshit like he chose to do. Scotty, after all, was a follower.

Dad always said to me, “ If I could take a few things off of your plate and put it onto his empty one, I would…” The poor man was dealing with an over achiever and an under achiever; both equally difficult. Fairly certain my dad has an honorary PH.D hanging on the wall somewhere.

This blog is actually longer than I anticipated… Scotty deserves a blog post all on it’s own.

So, I’m here now, telling you that alcohol didn’t destroy marriage… I did… and Dave did… we didn’t have the tools necessary to navigate the intricacies of blending families and having an ex wife that was less than desirable to deal with most times. We lost our way. I’m not saying that if things were different we would have made it because we both have deep seeded BS that has happened in our lives prior to meeting each other. Dave was actually a bully in High School. There was obviously shit that happened in his childhood that he doesn’t want to talk about. I don’t blame him because I am only now ready to deal with my past. But I was never a bully.

With that said. I want you all to know that I will be going to California to a non 12 step, holistic program called passages Ventura October 1st. (for thirty days) I swore I never would do this unless it was Passages. I researched this long ago when Scotty was sick and at that time, they didn’t take insurance. They do now. It’s a very expensive holistic program that focuses and believes on dealing with the root causes of needing alcohol or drugs instead of labeling an individual and making them feel like a criminal for the rest of their life.

I’m not a fall down drunk but I drink too much. I’m doing this for me and my boys. I want to present in their lives. I have so much anger inside and I haven’t been able to deal with it and traditional counseling that is based on talk therapy and taking your money every time ($200 a session) without creating a resolution is the exact reason I’m taking a 30 day mommy time out. Passages focuses on the individual. I’ll have massages, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, one on one therapy, walks on the beach daily, get to keep my phone and internet ( yeah, they don’t punish you) I’m very fortunate that I’m still on David’s insurance that pays for this very expensive 30 day program. I’m also very fortunate that he will stay at the house and take care of our children while I’m gone and that he’s 100% behind me on this as are Ryan and Nicholas.

Please comment if you’d like me to Vlog this whole experience. It’s a personal quest that I’m willing to share if enough of you want to be along for the journey. This is big for me!

If no one has told you they love you today… I love you. Tracy