Lessons from 50 shades of Grey.

Be romantic? Think again.

“Be a gentleman, give her flowers and open the door for her. Also, remember to compliment her whenever possible and respect her above all.”

These words, accompanied by a general attitude of submission, are the recipe for men to fail miserably with women. Its not that they can’t do these things, but if it’s all they know, they will fail, like so many do.

‘I told my mother she would love you, and I wasn’t wrong, she’s going to love you’

“He went to pick her up at 10 to eight, ten minutes before the time they had set. He was nervous, after all, she might be the one. At eight sharp he sounds the doorbell and some minutes after she comes down. He opens the door, first of the building, then of the car, closing it behind her and then getting behind the wheel. ‘You look so beautiful’, he said, as soon as they were side by side, inside the car. They had met only once before — she was out of a relationship and he asked for her number almost straight away, after approaching her at a bar. ‘I have the Beatles, red hot chilly peppers, queen, muse and some reggae band I am listening to, which one would you rather hear?’ — she chose one, and he put it on the radio. He was shaking a bit, and his hands where a bit sweat — what was he afraid of? Disappointing her, or drive her away. ‘I booked a table for us in a restaurant that I like, but if you don’t like it, we can then choose another’. When the car was parked, he reached back with his hand and presented her with a bouquet of flowers, ‘these are for you, I didn’t know which ones to get so I hope these ones will do. If not, we will have time for me to give you more flowers in the next dates.’ Mid-dinner he stares at her and exhales heavily with a little smile, ‘what?’ She asked, ‘I’m not sure if I should tell you this or not, but.. forget it’ he replied, ‘no, tell me!’, ‘it’s just that… I told my mother she would love you, and I wasn’t wrong, she’s going to love you’

Romantic gestures can be beautiful, in the RIGHT moment, in the RIGHT dosage.

I believe this will be enough for the women reading to feel scared and uncomfortable imagining themselves in the situation. Yes, men, scared and uncomfortable. Romantic gestures can be beautiful, in the RIGHT moment, in the RIGHT dosage, otherwise, it becomes creepy and weird: why would someone who doesn’t know me want to give me so much so fast? I have done nothing for them, it’s strange! Genetically, it feels strange, because for a man to devote himself to a woman immediately without knowing her, it must mean he has no other women, or that she has a huge value to him — thereby indicating he has a lower value than her, which, of course, demonstrates he might not be able to lead and to ensure her survival (and the survival of the offsprings). It’s not attractive, it can even be repulsive

However we are flooded with these notions and, in some way, forced to think that they explain the world around us when it comes to relationships — when obviously they don’t. As I have mentioned in a past article, the measure I use to ascertain the value of information is by the results it allows me to get, whether they are in understanding or achieving something. In this light, all of us men and women know the information we are taught regarding love and relationships is just worthless. Let’s move on closer to the truth shall we?

Do you think it is a coincidence that 50 shades of Grey was such a hit? I don’t. To me it was very logical. In that book, the deepest fantasies of women were perfectly captured, their biology was captured: it isn’t that they want sadistic or masochist experiences, but that they crave a powerful man who leads them.

Notice that I said “powerful” and “leads”, not “weak” and “commands”. This makes a huge difference. You see, there’s plenty of men who want to make women ‘less’ than them and that, to me, is weak. There’s plenty who want women to fully dedicate themselves to them, when they can’t even fulfil her needs and that, to me, is weak. Commanding is telling another person what to do, ordering and the funny thing is that it is usually weak men who attempt to command. A powerful man, which is a confident one, with high status and that can increase the woman’s chances of ’surviving’, or improve her quality of life, is a whole different story. Leading is the capacity to show that by aligning with- and following you, someone can achieve more, and be ‘more’. So, women biologically want a powerful men who can lead them — because he himself is going somewhere and can survive. With an ancient genetical heritage, the unconscious cues that signal that a man can help them survive better is a powerful aphrodisiac for women.

Do you think it is a coincidence that 50 shades of Grey was such a hit? I don’t. In that book, the deepest fantasies of women were perfectly captured.

This is why you women feel so attracted to leaders, or men with high social status, like singers, movie stars, etc. They are demonstrating they can survive and that they are leaders in what they do. Brad Pitt, Chris Martin, Cristiano Ronaldo, Mark Zuckerberg, and many more are by far the most desired men in the world, all because of the same reason — the survival value they represent for women.

Romantic means two things:
Conducive to or characterised by the expression of love;
Characterised by, or suggestive of, an idealised view of reality, being ‘fairy tale’ considered a synonym.
(Google dictionary)

And notice that being romantic in the first moments of meeting someone, means expressing your love for them — that can be a bit weird. On the other hand, women want security and comfort as a reality, only when they feel these things on a biological level will they allow fairy tales to take place freely. So all the definition of romantic is not advised in the first moments, not unless it is balanced wisely.

In order to be appreciated when being romantic, as a man, you should be a powerful leader. Realise that being a romantic without the rest isn’t attractive most times — it can actually be, biologically, for a woman, a repulsive trait, as I have shown before. Redefine what romance really is and how you can properly do it without scaring people away. The first step to do that is understanding that what you have learned women want isn’t, really, what they want — otherwise all the ‘white-knights’ and ‘nice-guys’ would have the girls, and not the ‘bad-boys’.

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