I want to die all of a sudden. A terrible thought that has been my way of coping since 19.
An automatic thought formed from childhood to survive it
Especially negative when I don’t catch and stop it.
I have a life worth saving.
Writing is revealing, agonizing, and achingly healing.
A vague sense of emotional truth I cannot articulate.
I used to be very good at memorizing.
All my brain cells performed at their highest performance to survive my childhood.
Memory verses. All English, not Tagalog.
So much so that I couldn’t read the Tagalog Bible.
I could not even pray in Tagalog. …
A question I asked on Quora when I started more than a month ago.
No answers so far.
I thought of suicide for the first time when I was 19 years-old. I was a Senior in college, but something happened to me that my community would harshly judge.
I fell in a deep dark hole of shame, guilt, and despair.
I already know everything they would say. I knew because I thought it before I started falling.
I knew because I know them. I was taught to think like them.
I was utterly alone.
Alone in a hallway with so many doors and when I approached to open it, it said, “Don’t Exit.” I thought, “I’m not exiting I’m entering,” but the sign changed in neon flashing lights and said, “Don’t Enter.” …
I am looking for my groove.
Yesterday I carried the hard copy of my novel’s first draft to work. I looked at it between breaks.
I tried to post a video in reddit and I was notified that I didn’t have enough karma to have it published. I didn’t know I needed karma points for that.
I only know about karma points from Scribophile. I just need a little more than half a karma point to post my first three chapters there.
My husband got me a Mother’s Day open heart ring by Jane Seymour from Jared about three years ago. …
Wait, is it still morning? Yes, it is. I have 4 minutes till morning is over.
When I wake up every morning what nags at me is my asthma. Yes, it really sucks when you suck at breathing. So I get up use the bathroom and then take my Breo and my Spiriva. And if it still feels like my chest is hurting I go ahead and take two puffs of my rescue inhaler.
My daughter usually gets up when I get up. She has not left my bed yet. But that’s okay.
I go to the kitchen to pour two mugs of coffee from the carafe which my husband lovingly programmed the night before. Make sure the temperature is right so I don’t burn my tongue which I have done a lot in the past. Bring him one to his bedside then go to my office to try to get through 1500+ emails (which I never get through, that’s why it stay in the thousands). …
Within the last decade since I moved away from California, I sent a card to my father. And I included this poem in it —
By Denise Levertov
Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of
I who don’t know the
the line. They
(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
Today is Easter for the Christian religion and Passover for Jews.
I grew up in a cult who didn’t celebrate either one. Before I married, the relationship with my religion was quite strained in fact it was clear to me and my family that I wasn’t staying in the religion.
By the time I had children my husband had joined a mainstream religion, The Disciples of Christ. I was very active in our church. I was the church secretary while I was pregnant with our first child. …