How To Screw Up Your Life

In just 10 easy steps

Whenever my six year old asks me a question, sometimes I struggle with the answer. You can’t give a long explanation because their beautiful, innocent minds might misinterpret a detailed response. That’s why I sometimes say, “Because that’s the way it is.”

When she’s older, I’ll do my due diligence and steer her in the right direction. But for now, sh*t is a bad word because that’s the way it is. And babies just randomly grow in women’s bellies after they have graduated from college, got married and have a steady job--because that’s the way it is. Obviously, there’s more to it than that. But until she’s old enough to understand the birds and the bees, you get my drift.

Anyway, when trying to answer some of these questions, I tend to look back on some pivotal points in my life. Eventually I hope to pass some wisdom onto my kids, in hopes of them learning from it. Don’t we all?

There used to be a bench where I grew up — the bench had a plaque that said: “In memory of all my dumb friends.” Ironically, the bench was located at the end of a street where the road splits in two; a literal and figurative fork in the road. I always wondered how he lost his friends… Was it drunk driving?

Anyway, I’ve come up with a quick list of how to screw up your life, quickly and effectively.

  1. SMOKE METH OR CRACK. One of the best ways to fuck up your life. For-everrrr.
  2. LIE, CHEAT AND STEAL to support your crack addiction. You go from being the sweet friend to the shady fool that everybody is starting to hate. Another good one.
  3. SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S BF/GF… If you do this, you are a seriously shitty friend. A special place in hell awaits you.
  4. LIE TO GET AHEAD AT WORK. Throw everyone else under the bus. After all, it was their fault you didn’t meet the deadline. Or better yet, take credit for someone else’s idea. You gotta be a cold-hearted snake for this one.
  5. ALWAYS BREAK YOUR PROMISES. Oh, that money? Yeah. Of course I’ll pay you back, next month for sure. Abso-luuutely. But first I have to go to Coachella, buy a laptop cuz I always wanted one, and then a new wardrobe. But yeah, after that.
  6. HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX. Ewww. Self-explanatory.
  7. TALK BADLY ABOUT EVERYONE. Everyone loves juicy gossip! Spill their secrets and you will soon be the most notorious breezy of the bunch.

8. GAMBLE. You can bet that losing all your money (and everyone else’s) is a surefire way to fuck up your life.

9. BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY SELFISH. It’s your world sweetheart. We all just live in it.

10. BAD HYGIENE. Never wash your private parts, your athlete’s foot, or floss your teeth. Life will turn pretty sour, very quickly. Guys: if you never want to have sex again, do this.

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