I have always liked music. I mean, I know, humanity likes music. But to me it’s something more than just liking music. And I also know that for a lot of people it’s more than just liking music too. But the urge I have to listen to this peculiar expression of human psyche, the addiction, which sometimes feels like the only thing keeping me from staring into the void for too long, is also one that makes me feel the only living soul in the world having it.
And sometimes notes and lyrics enter my ears which I cannot really decipher. You see I have this obsession to comprehend everything around me. To me comprehending is probably a raison d’être. And yet, when it comes to music, I can forgive it and myself with it, when I cannot put the pieces of the puzzle together. They might not be pieces of a puzzle and it might not be a puzzle after all, but still, if it’s in this eerie, otherworldly art form, I can maybe accept that.
Sometimes that’s all there is to it, and that’s OK. Other times, after days, weeks, months, years, of listening to the same song over and over and over again, even if it just means in your head, something clicks. Not very differently to a math problem you were trying to solve, bashing your head against the wall, its solution appearing as if almost in a vision after a deep, dreamless slumber. That song that intrigued you and beckoned you to listen more carefully, like the song of a Siren you were attracted and yet beleaguered by, unlocks itself. You now understand more. And on some rarer occassions even, you get misty because of it. Something deep just got so much deeper. And it’s the artist staring directly at your soul, and you are staring back. You’re both artists at that point, perhaps. Your crowning achievement taking as much effort as for her to express herself. Maybe not. Maybe it’s all in your head, subjective and trivial after all, but it doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is that single experience you witness, nearing transcendence.
I wish that happened to me with relationships, but it does not. I wish I was OK with just maybe accepting things even if I did not understand them, but I am not.
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