Exposing Fears

Did you know there is no phobic description for the fear of having your picture taken? Which, to me, is really odd because there’s pretty much one for everything, and I do mean everything, else out there. Like Metrophobia, a fear of poetry or Sesquipedalophobia, the morbid fear of long words.

I am going to let you in on one of my biggest secrets. Being in front of a camera poses a huge problem for me.

Looking at myself in photos reminds me of driver’s license shots or maybe mug shots and I am adept at maneuvering myself to the back row in group shots because at 5'4” — the chance I will be seen in that photo is slim and none. I can’t even tell you why — whether it’s body dysmorphia or stems from my tortured past where key people of influence were not always the best for my self esteem, but I get hung up over my pictures. Point that camera at me and, shoot, I am looking for camouflage, which is slightly difficult in hot pink and heels.

And it’s really an idiosyncrasy that doesn’t make a lot of sense as I don’t have a problem with how I look. I’m the kind of woman whose confidence enters the room two steps before her curves. I only think of age in terms of wine. I have no issues with you if you have a problem with what I wear and what I see in the mirror every day is someone that has learned to love her body past serious life stresses, being 40ish, and having had three children.

It, like most fears, was something I wanted to conquer.

So when the opportunity came to up to do a Pin Up photo shoot — some would say it was almost serendipitous.

Armed with a few of my favourite clothes and a bottle of wine — I sat through hair and make up to turn me into a pin up girl. Even had “in progress” pictures — where I didn’t so much as flinch. Ok, yes, I did and was way worried when they got posted — couldn’t look at them initially.

Then came the time to actually get in front of the camera and this kick-ass business woman, wearing a dress that she’s worn to many soirées, turned into a jumbled bag of nerves.

I’ve seen that dress in the mirror — I rock it…. and yet stood there, unable to relax, to smile, all of the doubts flooding back. I felt like I’d totally lost something of myself, not completely convinced the picture will be me when I see it — or maybe worried that it is — and the image I see all the other times is not the real one. I struggle through outfit after outfit. Until the final set.

I would never have dreamed that taking off most my clothes would make it easier to be in front of the camera. It’s likely the (almost) naked truth is I was so beyond em-bare-assed to even consider what the camera was doing. Or it could have been the riding crop — most definitely could have been the riding crop.

But that day, I stood with a camera pointed at me and I dropped the worry, the camouflage and most of my clothing. And the results? Well the shots of me in the dresses are OK — I can live with them, and though I don’t look as stiff and uncomfortable as I felt — they still aren’t me — but that lingerie shot is natural, comfortable and doesn’t make me cringe whenever I look at it. It is 100% of who I see every time I look in the mirror — and it helped make me better with myself.