Mask On; Mask Off
Mask On
I have a lot of experience with masking; before I even knew what to call it. Having an autistic child who presented as the perfect student turn into a ball of rage and frustration when home in their space was the ultimate example of how people spend their lives holding things together until they find space that’s safe and people they trust.
This piece, however, is not on autistic masking, though similarities may exist, and I want to be clear because I respect their lived experience and so we understand there is a difference between how my children mask to survive socially and inherent tendencies to socially mask.
The word persona, which in ancient times was a mask worn by an actor to express a personality trait, is used to describe how we are perceived, what face we put forward. No matter how open and honest you perceive yourself to be, we all put on a mask, social, emotional, or otherwise, when we aren’t sure how our truth will be received.
Mask Off
Think of what you say when someone says they are having a bad day. Does your response make them mask up; do they choose to gloss over their pain because they feel your discomfort as evident? How often do you think, “I don’t know what to say”.
Unmasking is messy. Our truths are not neat and compartmentalized, but chaotic and overlapping. Being real often reveals flaws, shows the imperfections which are entirely human, and yet may be perceived unacceptable, especially when judgment occurs parti pris. Taking the mask off requires being vulnerable. Being with someone unmasked requires empathy, and perhaps a little unmasking of your own. It is not comfortable; nor is it meant to be, as comfort itself can be a mask.
Usually, when that mask is removed, it’s about the need to reveal our authentic self, to heal, to be fully ourselves. Sometimes the mask slips, as we tire of holding space for something that needs to be freed.
Mask On
Is this like impostor syndrome? Of course this could play into it. Is it a lie? I’m sure there are some who could be black and white on this as an issue, but I feel it far more nuanced. Have we been taught to be inauthentic? Societal expectations play a role in our persona.
It often comes back to being safe and with people you trust. I am a straightforward, positive person. I am good with speaking to my truth, to the days that are bad, and the days when I struggle, however certain aspects of my life are currently behind a mask to protect myself and others.
Conscientious decisions to hold back truths exist for reasons we mostly define to ourselves, and are often made despite the energy they take to maintain, and the human need for support and connection.
Mask Off
We learn certain truths are more difficult for people to handle. People who are not prepared for an unmasking to be raw and requiring more from them than they believe they have the capacity to give. And to be fair, their capacity is based on their own masks, on or off.
Sometimes truths need education, breaking of bias, and thoughtful consideration of the words being shared, to allow them the exposure they deserve when masks are off.
Perhaps if we were less of an individualistic society in turning away to give someone space for pain, and were more willing to share, it would be easier to get to what’s real.
Being open to accepting a person’s true self requires empathy and compassion. Authenticity happens when there is safety and trust. Getting to genuine takes work and courage. We are all works in progress.
