In my old blogs, I used to bitch about all the missed opportunities as the calendar says it’s almost the end of the year. I’m going to do something different, and rightly so, because this year has been very different.
I feel like my patience has been rewarded. I am living a dream each and every day I report to work. For so long, I have doubted myself and neared the part wherein I’d resign myself to live a life I did not want; to be unable to choose a career I felt would allow me to reach out and help people; to lose the path that will allow me to become both sword and shield to those who could not wield them. But God damn fuck. I did it. I am in. Though this may change in the future, I know that this is the start I wanted and needed. I want to protect those around me, so that they, too, may protect those around them and so on. I will never forget that moment. I was not able to save two people who wished nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives together. I feel like I have failed them, knowing I could have disregarded protocol because I simply could. I will never let that happen again. Ever.
I met people like me. My colleagues are some of the best in the business. Often, our office culture dictates we have to tough it out when we get a scolding, but when we reach a specific goal, we pat each other on the back and reaffirm the bonds we have forged. Of course, even in the office, I am the butt of every joke. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
I am starting to have small adventures, here and there. Who would have thought this kid would ride a jeepney at 2314H? Who would have thought I’d learn to eat native delicacies that I refused to eat before, solely because I thought they did not look appetizing? Who would have thought I’d spend nights somewhere I told nobody in my inner circle about? Who would have thought I’d have those moments I’d drive around, going where the road takes me? Those crazy nights when you just felt free. You left everything behind and lived the moment. The rush.
Personally, I think I have grown, a lot. I began to understand things I knew nothing about, sometimes not having anyone to guide me. I am starting to realize what trust means, and how it relates to patience and understanding. There have been many, many, many times I would look at the mirror and stare at myself crying, trying to figure out what it all means, both lies and truths. Sometimes doubting. But there are also many, many, many times I would look beside and in front, thinking what life would be like this way, and doing so always put a smile on my face. We speak of things as if they are easy, failing to realize that actions speak louder than words. Then we face those who have lost faith in themselves, thinking things won’t be any different from the past. It tests your resolve, as you try to convince them to put their faith in you instead and not be stupid and walk away and throw away everything you have built together. They will always say to you that they don’t expect anything, yet there they are, still, more than 365 days later. I have to be a big man, because I know I have the bigger heart. It is a burden I think I have to carry. To me, that’s what will sustain and build my relationship. There will always be an excuse; Always a white lie that will get in the way, and maybe those are good things, because you get through all the pain, doubt, laughter, resolve, sadness, emptiness, joy and completeness, one joke at a time. There may be times that will be worse than the last, but maybe that’s how it is in the beginning. You have to stand up before you fall down, the same way you need to get lost, before you are found.
I am thankful for this year. It has taught me more than I could ask for. I look to 2014 with a fiery passion that burn like a thousand suns.
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