Tales from the Tail — Is Sexual Compatibility Essential?

Client’s Tale

We met fourteen months ago through friends and he courted me right away. I am in my forties, a 🐻, and have had my fair share of fun. Doesn’t everyone? If you don’t, you should — I have no regrets and wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. Actually, maybe one or two… or five, but let’s chalk those up to learning experiences 😂! Honestly though, I did start feeling as if I wanted to share the world I built with someone and it couldn’t have been a better time for him to walk into my life.

I am vers, very sexual, and have come around to really getting the hang of bottoming. And after living four decades, you learn your wants and desires and start becoming more and more intent on maximizing the quality of your encounters. With that in mind, I do think it’s important to discuss one’s ideals in any new budding relationship before it gets too complicated. And by the second month, we did just that.

From our discussion, we seemed mostly compatible, though he described himself as not that into sexual intercourse — giving or receiving. This clearly would be a sticking point. Our first two encounters were frenzied and fun, but even then there was some connection missing — it felt like he was performing instead of engaging with me. His “not that into intercourse” wound up meaning uninterested in sex altogether. And since I started feeling like he was going through the motions to deliver a certain quota of encounters and behaviors, it fucked with my usual M.O. Remember: I am not a sex addict, but I love to fuck! It’s part of connecting, relieving stress, and getting to know each other — and who doesn’t want their partner to enjoy putting something up their ass?

We talked through options, getting checked out by multiple physicians. “The parts all work,” we were told, with his levels not justifying his lack of motivation. We went into therapy — separately. I would make suggestions to try to spice things up and we would try them — once — but then we were back to the brief weekly ritual. This led to us opening up the relationship at the 10-month mark. I quickly realized how much I missed spontaneous, varied sex. I knew right then that I couldn’t go on much longer.

It just was a matter of time and finally one day I had had enough — I told him about my frustration, how the micro-rejections were getting to me, and suggested that if he was asexual, that it was all good, but that he needed to face it. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a well-rounded catch with so much to offer — why should I settle? Especially on an issue that is non-negotiable and hits so close to hole — I mean, home😂. So we ended it. That’s it. It’s over. And it’s a shame, because we were compatible emotionally and intellectually and in many other ways. He harbored what I had been looking for. My luck, someone fucks with me to take away the one thing I need. Ain’t gonna happen. Onto the next, I say. How about you?

My Discussion

Is it safe to say that sexual compatibility is the single most important factor in any relationship? In all relationships or gay ones in particular? I see the narrative play out over and over again and I have rarely seen initial sexual incompatibility last, specifically in the primary relationship.

But wait. Does it have a fighting chance when all parties involved have open lines of communication? Specifically as it relates to what they are not receiving in the relationship, creating scenarios that allow one to seek out and fulfill their desires? I am really not so convinced. It gets more and more complicated and over time creates real and significant dilemmas. Very few and far between are able to adapt to these new circumstances, continuing to flourish their relationship. Some are strong enough, but most are not.

The ass always wins. Or the cock. Or both. No matter what. Who are we kidding? And I am afraid if one’s primary relationship doesn’t have the sexual stability, then one’s path to sexual fulfillment innately will become risk-seeking. And with risk comes instability and then inevitable failure in the relationship.

Why does one think the app culture is so successful? Your desires are out in the open — literally — allowing you a full menu for the taking. And with the majority of menus touting sexual preferences in the bio, the initial connections are somewhat preordained. How true are you in your profile? And would one be so inclined to change in exchange for dating someone that hits all the other marks needed on your dream list?

Regardless of what baggage lies ahead, I am a believer in choosing your mates with the sexual parts that match your holes. It just makes things that much easier and the earlier this discussion occurs, the better off. Specifically as we all age, we know what works and what doesn’t. We know where our likes and desires lie and if there isn’t an initial sexual match, then move the fuck on.

This isn’t to say that sexual compatibility doesn’t change. Or *things* get stale over the years. For sure sexual desires change through one’s life. And it all goes back to the need to constantly reevaluate, in a collaborative approach, making sure the relationship continues on the appropriate up and erect trajectory. But the initial top to bottom match is crucial for building a significant, sound partnership. Without that primary sexual compatibility, it’s fucking doomed. If you want it up the ass, you need the cock that wants to go there. Period. And if you want the cock every night, you better make sure it’s available. To deny yourself the sexual pleasures you desire does a disservice to not only your partner, but also to yourself.

One needs to be sexually grounded before opening up to serious relationship building. I speak to a lot of my clients at Bespoke Surgical about this and I tell them all: success starts with sexual compatibility! I made my point.

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