Stop Being Poor and Fat, and Just Be Less Poor: 13 Ways to Save Money and Lose Weight

1. Drink less alcohol, fatty. Water is cheaper and calorie-free.
2. Walk more. Instead of that $20 Uber, opt for that hour and a half walk home.
3. Get rid of some friends. Chances are you’re spending too much money eating out with them. Stay alone. Stay rich. Stay thin.
4. Pick up new hobbies, like stealing kale, followed by sprints.
5. Start cooking at home. If you’re like me, you’re a terrible cook and won’t want to eat much of what you make.
6. If you smoke marijuana, stop it. You eat too much and can save that drug money for frozen vegetables to microwave.
7. Quit cigarettes. This one’s a toughie, because it could cause weight gain. Balance out the nicotine cravings by eating spoonfuls of instant coffee and starting a fight club.
8. Avoid going home to see your parents. You’ll save travel money and calories because no one will be offering you food that tastes good.
9. Cancel your Netflix subscription. Do squat jumps instead of watching Fargo.
10. Stop online shopping and run everywhere. If you can’t lift it, you can’t buy it.
11. Eat only what you kill. Get creative! Remember, this is supposed to be fun.
12. Dates are usually festivals of disappointment and calories. Stop going on them. Cook alone instead.
13. Be you, but a less-poor and fat version of yourself. If you can dream it, you can achieve it.