I Lost 30 Pounds And Thousands Of Dollars By Only Eating The Lettuce That Comes With Fried Shrimp

Who would believe this one weight loss trick really works?

It was already February when I decided to really commit to my New Years resolution. It was simple enough: get a beach body for summer. I tried not to assign myself a number, or size — my goal was just to feel comfortable in my own exposed skin.

My friend Erik told me about this diet that really worked for him. He had lost 5 pounds and a couple of hundred dollars in a week by eating out for every single meal and only ordering fried shrimp. Every meal. No excuses. It seemed too good to be true. But if it worked for him then it could work for me, right?

After one week of only eating fried shrimp, I had lost a couple hundred dollars but I actually gained 6 pounds! I couldn’t believe it! I was committed to this diet 110% and I wasn’t seeing results. That’s when Erik opened up my mind.

You can’t eat the fried shrimp,” he told me. “What are you, crazy?”

Turns out I was doing it all wrong. I had nailed the first step of this diet: every single meal is an order of fried shrimp from a restaurant––no matter the time of day. More important was step two: only eat the greasy, salty lettuce that garnishes the basket!

As soon as I started throwing out the shrimp, the fries, the coleslaw, the cocktail sauce, and the lemon wedges, the pounds just flew off!

Within 14 days I had lost the 6 pounds I had gained the previous week, plus an additional 10 pounds on top of that… and at least several hundred dollars!

“You can’t eat the fried shrimp,” he told me. “What are you, crazy?”

I was committed. After another 14 days of only eating the decorative lettuce leaves that chefs place underneath fried shrimp, I was down another 20 pounds (36 pounds total!) and over two thousand dollars!

I was shocked. Here I am two months before beach season with my ideal body and now I’m wondering, “how do I keep it off?”

As it turns out losing weight it one thing, but staying healthy is a whole ‘nother story! Staying healthy is all about a lifestyle change. We’re talking about ditching the fad diet and going for a full regiment.

To keep up my physique, I alternate my diet weekly. One week, I eat only the lettuce that comes with fried shrimp for every meal. But the next week, I eat everything on the fried shrimp plate, except the lettuce.

This allows my body to replenish it’s natural sauces and fries, without gaining any money. Again, this is going to keep your body from losing too much shrimp while still keeping your net worth low.

My friend Erik told me about this diet that really worked for him. He had lost 5 pounds and a couple of hundred dollars in a week by eating out for every single meal and only ordering fried shrimp. Every meal. No excuses. It seemed too good to be true. But if it worked for him then it could work for me, right?

Now with beach season in full swing, I am happy with the results. I look good and I feel good! Unfortunately, I don’t have enough money to go to the beach right now, so I earn extra cash by masturbating in front of old men at truck stops for $15-a-pop.

Have a safe summer, everyone!