They Should Make Money Bigger So We Can See How Fat The Presidents Were

The fat shaming in America needs to stop.

As a Fat-American, I feel as though I have no role models on our currency.

Earlier this year, the U.S. Treasury announced that president Harriet Tubman would be replacing Andrew Jackson on the twenty-dollar-bill. This upgrade, along with several new redesigns that focus on the history of women and people of color in America, are expected to be in circulation by 2020.

But what about fat people?

As a Fat-American, I feel as though I have no role models on our currency. Sure, there’s John Goodman, but he isn’t actually on any bills — that was just a gag dollar I saw for sale at the Jersey Shore (it’s perfectly legal, by the way). Did we ever have a fat president? I don’t even know.

Grant looks fat, that’s for sure. But what about George Washington? Or FDR? Or JFK? Or President Alexander Hamilton? Were they fat? Truth be told, I did not pay very much attention in school.

That’s why I think we need to make American money bigger, so we can see how fat our presidents were.

It’s our civic duty to honor the true history of this great nation. If that means I have to get a bigger wallet because America needed to accommodate Abraham Lincoln’s paunch on the five dollar bill, go ahead. If seeing president Susan B. Anthony’s full badonkadonk means that I have to carry 28-ounces of coins to do my laundry, I say “bring it on!” We fat people are always wearing cargo shorts. We can handle it.

“Truth be told, I did not pay very much attention in school.”

We need to set a precedent. We need to show the world that America is fat–and we’re proud! Other countries may have stupid, ugly Monopoly that I don’t understand, but at least they’re not afraid to expose how fat their presidents were (except for Canada — they have leaves and ducks and stuff on all their money).

Please, contact the congress and tell them you want bigger money. Here is a simple template email that you can just copy and paste:

Hello congress,
Big coins for fat people. Big bills for fat people. It’s not fair!
-Me

It’s not just the coins, or the bills, or the other kinds of money that I don’t know about. We need to work together — husky, chubby, and kinda kind of portly — to make American fat again. We were fat. We are fat. We will always be fat.

“Truth be told, I did not pay very much attention in school.”

Please consider the future of our fat country when you hit the polls in November. Vote Trump in 2016.

-Drew Kaufman, fifth generation Fat-American