What HBO’s Westworld Gets Wrong Is Its Lack Of Shaq

A perfect world.

HBO’s Westworld has a lot of problems: It is a souless, cynical romp through a future devoid of any joy or optimism whatsover. Much like the assembly line of it’s namesake, the show Westword exists only as a literal machine for HBO to churn out thousands of uneventful murders, nipples, and dicks.

Besides boring plots, a lack of empathy, and a level of forced grittiness that makes Netflix Daredevil look like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Westworld has zero redeemable characters, not one of which is basketball superstar and comedic extraordinaire, Shaquille O’Neal.

Here are my recommendations to improve Westworld for season 2:

Replace The Main Character Who We Only Care About Because He Is The Main Character With Shaquille O’Neal

The only reason we care about you is because we’ve been told for five episodes we are supposed to care about you

Our main character, this guy, is who were supposed to care about. I don’t really know why. He doesn’t really do anything besides walk around and talk to robots and fuck the other person who is on screen the most. I guess it’s because the writers decided that he was our main character around episode six — just in time for some spooky plot twists.

Anyways, I’d be much more inclined to care about him for no reason if he was Shaq. Have you ever seen that guy dunk? It’s like a birthday gift from your grandma.

Replace The Guy Who Only Exists To Show Off Dramatic Tension With Shaquille O’Neal

What can you say about this guy? He is a great actor. That’s about it.

Sir Anthony Hopkins stars as a man who likes to be dramatic and do dramatic things. Every once in a while he says something important about the human condition, or something. I don’t know, dude. Replace him with Shaq and let’s all watch Shaq twirl a basketball. That’s way more riveting than a 4-minute monologue about how humanity is a piece-of-shit.

Replace Any Actor Or Actress Who Gets Naked On This Meaningless Show With Shaquille O’Neal

HBO: Confusing nudity for artistry since 1972

HBO wants you to think their relentless use of nudity is an exploration of pushing boundaries and an examination of television as classical art. In reality, HBO just wants mega horny shit-baths to keep coming back for some free nudes. Anyways, don’t make Shaq get naked, just have him show up and make a goofy face every time we’re supposed to see a peen or a tit. Put a little comic relief in this fucking show. Jesus.

The world is a toilet. We get it. We live in it. So maybe take a moment to make viewers forget how miserable the world is. Visitors come to Westworld to escape their boring lives, why not offer the same relief to your goddamn audience?

Have Shaq slip on a banana peel and say “wow, I don’t remember ordering a banana split!” Save the dead girl nipples for another day.

Take The Only Morally Good Person In This Show And Think A Little Harder About What Makes Them An Interesting Character. Give them Flaws And A Strong Conflict. Then Replace Them With Shaquille O’Neal

“I’m the only redeemable character on this show because I don’t want to fuck and kill robots”

Look, if the only character on your show who people root for is the passive guy who doesn’t even want to be in Westworld, then maybe you should think about creating a more interesting character to be your singular moral compass. This douchebag pretty much has one redeemable quality: he is the only person on this show who isn’t trying to constantly fuck or kill a robot (try to name any other character––I dare you). That’s not enough to make me like him. Hell, that’s not even enough to make me want to sit next to him at Wendy’s.

This is a show that interposes the problems of the wild west with the identity of being human. Where are the fucking heroes? Where is the John Wayne? Where is the Annie Oakley? Don’t make me humanize robots, give me a human worth caring about.

The strongest, most badass women on this show are fucking robots. I get it, HBO wants to play with the meaning of identity, but it’s still hard to give a shit about anyone in Westworld when they don’t have any real stakes because they’re robots manufactured to be killed and fucked over and over again.

That’s not enough to make me like him. Hell, that’s not even enough to make me want to sit next to him at Wendy’s.

Take a woman, put her in the park, make her learn about herself and what humanity means without her fucking and killing, and then maybe someone on this goddamn sock full of ferrets of a show will be worth rooting for.

Oh yeah, then replace them with Shaq. Why? You know by now.

Take Series Creator Jonathan Nolan And Blame Him For All The Problems In Modern Storytelling Because The Only Thing Good About This Show Is The Opening Titles, Which Is An Accurate Metaphor For What Is Wrong With Film And Television Today — They’re All Style And No Substance. Everything Is In Competition To Be Grittier And More Hopeless And Mean Than The Last Story. Why Does A Story About Technology Need To Be About The Downfall Of Man? Why Does A Superhero Need To View The World As Scum? This Is All Jonathan Nolan’s Fault. It’s Very Clear That Any Ounce Of Hope In The Batman Movies Was Put In There By His Brother, Christopher. And Also, Let’s Stop Making Media That Forces The Viewer To Wait For Big Reveals To Stay Interested. Focus On Making An Engaging Story And Your Audience Will Be More Accepting Of Plot Twists. Sure, LOST Had A Shitty Ending, But We Stayed Along For Six Years Because Of The Characters. Just Like How You Read This Entire Thing Waiting For Me To Talk About Shaq. Well, It’s Coming, Just Let Me Make One More Point. Game Of Thrones Was A Great Show Until They Decided To Take All The Hope And Throw It Out The Window. Now It’s Just Unwatchable. Ask Yourself “Why Am I Watching This Show?” Is It For Violence? Is It For Nipples And Dicks? No. You Still Watch Game Of Thrones Because In The Back Of Your Head You Just Want Something Good To Happen For Once. It’s Never Coming. They Ruined, Tortured, Murdered, Or Devalued Every Single Character You Ever Liked. Search Your Heart And You Know That If They Killed Tyrion You Would Stop Watching Game Of Thrones. It’s True. He Is The Last Bit Of Optimism They Have Left. But At Least They Have Some Strong Characters. Westworld Is Like Watching A Box Of Candles Complain About Existence For 59 Minutes. Boy, I Really Went On A Rant Here. Anyways, The Dark Knight Is A Great Movie, But My God Look At All The Damage It Did. Fuck You, Jonathan Nolan.

Fuck you, dude. I’m gonna go watch Kazaam. At least that was “fun.”

FUN!