What I learned About Polyamory From The Highlander

Drew Kaufman
Jun 9, 2016 · 3 min read

Absolutely nothing.

I’m sorry if you came here for some sage advice. I don’t have it. I guess you probably thought I had polyamory and The Highlander all figured out. Well, no. I don’t.

The Highlander is an 80s movie about Scottish dudes trying to kill each other with swords in the parking garage under Madison Square Garden. I could probably extract a think piece or two about polyamory from that film if I really thought hard about it, but do you really want me to do that? I guess you do if you’re here now.

Alright, let me try.

So, Christopher Lambert is this immortal warrior who was born over 1,000 years ago. He’s trying to kill the voice of Mr. Krabs in order to receive the quickening — a prize awarded the last living immortal. See, the only thing that can kill an immortal is decapitation by another immortal, and by the halfway point of the movie, these two are the only immortals left to claim the prize. Anyways, having been alive for the past dozen centuries, Christopher Lambert had many lovers, all of whom —

Nah. I don’t think I want to do this.

I don’t know anything about polyamorous relationships. I’ve never been in one and I’m not sure if I ever will. I also don’t know that much about The Highlander, either. I’ve seen the first one a few times and it hasn’t aged very well but I still thought The Highlander was a lot of fun. Plus it features a really dope original score from Queen! Freddy Mercury is always cool in my book and so is polyamory. I don’t think it’s for me but I respect any relationship you have with your partner(s) as long as the decisions you make are mutual!

Yet, perhaps it was too ambitious to even consider writing this thinkpiece.

I know you want a lesson, be it about Christopher Lambert, dating multiple people simultaneously, or both. That’s good because curiosity is healthy and so is Christopher Lambert (by the way, it’s pronounced Lamb-Bear. I guess that counts as a lesson).

If you really want to learn a thing or two about polyamory, and you absolutely have to distill it from 1986 cult-fantasy film, The Highlander, then maybe that’s something you’ve just got to do on your own. This is not my lesson to teach.

Luckily, you can watch The Highlander in HD for free with limited commercial interruptions right here on Hulu. Thanks, Hulu. And thank you for your time.

Drew Kaufman

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Director, occasional cartoonist, internet veteran, poet (just kidding). www.ihavehadsextwice.com