“I Was Her"
(A coming-of-age poem by drew pav!)
If I had stayed there- with them…
I would simply be: "her"- the old version of me.
Onlookers thinking I was happy and free-
In reality, I needed sooo much therapy.
I would let ‘em walk all over me…
As long as they didn't walk away -
Walking away would mean:
my delusions of a "forever" kind of love would leave…
If they didn't love me enough to stay-
My heart would break.
My starry eyes wouldn’t glow green.
And everyone would see - the broken parts of my soul...
Wandering - endlessly…
Then One day, I opened my teary eyes.
I started to think: maybe, I am who I need..?
Maybe, I can save me...?
I stopped looking for the next high. The next guy. The next pill.
I started noticing:
if you start to feel the directions in which your heart strings tug - you start to seek out answers in ways that are actually healthy.
It's a process - and yes, you will grieve.
I set fire to the box containing old pieces of me--my tears kept the flames from burning the good parts.
A controlled burn, I'd call it.
When you’re soaked in tears you’re not scared of the flames.
They are engulfing, and they might even cause painful burns.
But in the end, it's worth it.
You gotta go through it. No matter how much it hurts…
When the smoke settles:
Kick your tears back with a glass of champagne, and celebrate!
Bask in the glory - of finding yourself!
I had to go through all that to learn-- the more of myself I let burn- the better I'd become.
Now, instead of basking in my own self deprecation-
I bask in the warmth of a life I superstitiously pray🤞🤫 is truly REAL.
The love I feel...
The stability.
The blended sounds of my children playing, the dog pitter pattering, and my husband’s laughter echoing through the walls of a house I finally learned to call home.
Dare I call it:
a home filled with love and laughter? 🤫♥️🥰🤞
The home I needed when I was still her-is finally:
my own.♥️
