Current

A 15 Minute Story

Folding the paper back on itself, John perused the current affairs section and sighed. The news was universally bad. Politicians were morons. Things were falling apart and nothing was working. The only glimmer of hope was a new-born puppy that had come out with three heads, but was otherwise fine (and adorable).

The next day the foreign affairs section read like Tolstoy. So many people. All of them morons. Why they couldn’t come to an agreement over this simple piece of land John would never know, but agree they didn’t and the war rumbled on. Luckily, some kids had made pizza at school that day so there was some hope, but not much.

Taxes were out of control and other costs were spiralling ever upward at an alarming rate, John lamented the following day. He would be bankrupt before teatime if he didn’t cut costs now and avoid payday loans and the devastating wasteland that was broken Britain. On the other hand a local pensioner had fought off an armed gang with just a handbag and a comb, so the nation was at least showing some backbone.

Doping was out of hand in sport. That much was now clear, and things couldn’t go on as they were. Widespread and substantial measures were the only solution. That or the controlled introduction of drugs and the conversion of sports into chemical competitions. Neither struck John as a great idea. On the other hand a cow had been sent into space and was by all accounts “loving it”. So that was nice.

Damian Crouch’s latest novel was an abomination, John read grumbling and muttering at the way his favourite author had gone downhill, but determined to buy the book anyway. These bloody writers got one quick hit and then milked it for decades it seemed. Still, at least Coffeesta were offering to write your name on top of your coffee in chocolate sprinkles to give you the extra personal touch for the couple of seconds between machine and mouth.

The weekend was a write off. Bad bad bad bad news. Nothing good in current affairs, foreign affairs, finance, sport, culture or the economy. What a nightmare. Humanity was doomed. Although the sandwich season was here and summer suits were in!

The next day, John stopped consuming news. He is a much happier person now.