Let’s Clone Baby Charlie And Give Him A Second Chance

Like all right-thinking people, I was devastated to hear how the mean doctors condemned poor baby Charlie Gard to death.

I’m sure you don’t need me to go over the facts of this terrible case, but in brief: poor Charlie was born with a condition that made him go blind, deaf, paralysed and retarded. There is a miracle cure – invented in America – that could have kept him alive forever, but the socialist doctors over in Britain wouldn’t pay for it, because that would mean admitting American healthcare is the best in the world.

Baby Charlie’s momma sued the doctors to try to make them help Charlie, but the judge said that Charlie had to die, just because the doctor who invented the miracle cure hadn’t read *every single page* of Charlie’s notes and the miracle cure hadn’t worked on anyone with the *exact* same midichlorians as Charlie. They also tried to make out that Charlie was too retarded to get better, but as a mother myself, I can tell you that all babies act retarded at that age, so it’s really impossible to tell.

It’s pretty clear that the judge was motivated by vicious anti-Christian hatred. Even after Charlie’s mom accepted the death sentence on her baby, the court denied her wish to take him on one last hot air balloon ride, forcing him to die hooked up to a bunch of machines and pumped full of painkilling drugs, instead of soaring freely. That’s the difference between the heartless world of medical science that wants babies to die, and the Christian culture of life.

It may seem like it’s too late for baby Charlie, now that he’s dead and everything, but I have a great idea. We should clone baby Charlie and bring him back to life, making sure that this time his mom gives birth to him in America where he’s guaranteed all the healthcare he needs, provided he can raise enough on GoFundMe, which should be easy given all the publicity.

This time round, we can give him the miracle cure he needs right from the moment of birth, so he will be able to live a long and healthy life. Even if the cure doesn’t work, we’ll be able to keep him alive on a ventilator so his momma can watch him grow up into a strong, handsome (if paralysed and retarded) man, and she will be able to have the satisfaction of dying knowing that he’s still being kept alive, which, speaking as a mother, is really what every parent wants.

I’ve actually taken the initiative and tried to crowdfund the money for the cloning, but all the sites I’ve tried so far have very anti-life policies about not “funding medical procedures for a third party without consent” or cloning being “illegal”.

I’ve got a promising lead with a crowdfunding site in Ukraine, although we ran into a few technical issues which mean I need to figure out how to send them some “Bitcoins” to “decrypt” my “hard drive”. While I get the page set up, I’ll leave you with the FAQ I wrote for it:

Isn’t cloning illegal?

Not in certain islands off South Korea, where Baby Charlie will be cloned and implanted before his momma comes to the US to give birth to him again.

Is cloning Christian?

Bringing back an innocent baby, like the Baby Jesus was, who died because of the sins of the world, like Jesus did? Oh sure, that sounds *real* unChristian! (sarcasm)

Didn’t the Pope condemn human cloning?

What? No.

Instead of cloning a sick baby, why not help the Gards have a healthy baby through mitochondrial replacement therapy?

First off, the midichloria replacement thing uses an egg from another woman. That would mean the new baby Charlie had two mothers, and make his mom a lesbian. No thanks!

Secondly, messing with his midichloria sounds risky and unnatural.

Have the Gards agreed to your plan?

I have had trouble making contact, but I am confident that they won’t deny their precious baby any chance of life. I mean, that’s what this whole thing is about.

And even if they give up the fight for baby Charlie, I won’t. I have an insider who can get one of his blankets or stuffed toys, so we can extract a viable cell. Love always wins.

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