5 Stages of Grief and Loss
Based on Kubler-Ross model, a person who is deprived of affection, before being able to face the reality, faces 5 stages of emotion.
1. Denial — as the first stage of being bereft, chased away, left by the loved ones, one refuses to absorb the facts, the information, consciously or unconsciously.
The bereaved blocks the words and hides from the fact. It is normal and perfectly natural. It is the first wave of pain. And expect worse. Because this one is nothing compare to the next stages.
This stage is a trap. A dangerous trap. Because you can always come back to this stage, locked, and forever trapped.
Have you ever been left? World keeps spinning but one person left your world and for the next of the days of your life, you need to live with the fact that he/she is gone. It feels like it is only your world stops turning and you have no more energy to pace up with life.
How could you not deny that?
“They say time heals the wounds but that’s just not true. Some things are getting worse with time, some wounds are not mendable.”
2. Anger — this is the form of emotional upset. The intense emotion of the vulnerable side of human being is expressed as anger.
A person who is left, is having an emotional upset, and he/she will express it in way of anger. Being angry to themselves, or other people who are close with them.
We begin to absorb the fact -that we are bereft, left-, but we are not ready, so we’re upset, and we get angry. Rationally we know we can’t be angry. Emotionally, we can. Thus we get angrier.
It needs time, it needs distraction, they said. But that’s not true. That comes the first stage back again.
“They say we need distraction, we need friend. They don’t understand.”
3. Bargaining — it is the stage when the bereaved secretly makes a deal with whatever God they believe in, or a higher power they worship.
The person who is left is vulnerable but she/he realizes she/he needs to regain the life again. So they compromise, or negotiate with the reality. Honestly, this is the form of protecting one’s self from the inevitable worse pain.
“Can we just still be friends?” “Can I talk to you sometimes when I feel lonely?” kind of lines are made up. Because the reality is just too painful to face, and that compromising is one of ways to make it less painful.
“It’s okay God loves you more than I do, that’s why He wants you.” kind of lines too appears.
This rarely provides a sustainable solution. Because you can always come back to the first stage trap.
“If it’s the best for me, take it back, God. I don’t want the best. I want him”
4. Depression — it is the stage that is also called a preparatory grieving. a sort of acceptance with an emotional attachment.
In this stage, it is natural to feel sad, regret, upset, fear, uncertainty, et cetera.
There are two kinds of depression. The first one is related to the aftermath bereavement. The bereaved might fear about how to continue living after being left.
The second one is more subtle, and more private. The sudden personality change might also one of the cause of depression. And sometimes people are unaware of the depression they are suffering. Because it’s easier to feel normal and denying the fact that you are depressed than to admit that you need help. But depression is real. It can be evenmore real than any other stage.
Starting from insomnia, losing appetite, wandering around the city alone, withdrawing yourself from society, shutting down yourself from your community, and so on. That depression stage is real, and it is not healthy.
“I’m afraid my life will be going on well without you”
5. Acceptance — accepting reality.
Reaching this stage after a long mourning, or tons of tears might do. Reaching this stage might be a gift not anyone can afford. In this phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. However, it is not a period of happiness. It is just a stage where the emotions of depressed are detached. And go on living.
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “fine” or “okay” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel okay or fine about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it.
“When you learn your lessons, the pain goes away” — Elisabeth Kubler
we lost things, we all do. and the art of letting go is not hard to master. having a life after being left in any ways is not a betrayal. it’s never easy, but that too shall pass.