Gaslighting: A Common Occurrence in Conversations on Race

In my last blog, I provided my perspective on gaslighting and attempted to demonstrate how it is a prominent technique used in race relations when we minimize, deny and question a Black, Indigenous, or Person of Color (BIPOC) when they tell us how they are feeling. In this blog, I provide two scenarios: Take One where gaslighting occurs and Take Two where the white identifying individual chooses to open to discomfort and understand rather than gaslight.

TAKE ONE

Imagine a white woman and her roommate who identifies as a Black woman are both invited to their colleague’s birthday party. The white woman is excited to go and is looking forward to unwinding after a long week. To the white woman’s surprise, when she asks her roommate if she is coming her roommate shares that she does not feel up to it tonight. The white woman responds, “It is Friday night — you love going out, why don’t you want to come?”

The Black woman shares, “I’m just not feeling like it, I want to relax at home tonight.”

The white woman digs, “What? You’d rather stay at the apartment by yourself than come out, be with friends and socialize? That sounds lonely.”

The Black woman again forced to explain herself, “You know I just don’t feel comfortable around Jack.”

The white woman has never had a problem with Jack and interjects, “Jack, he’s great — what’s wrong with Jack?”

“It is not what Jack does or says it is what he doesn’t say that makes me uncomfortable. When people begin to talk about their feelings around police brutality and protests I notice he is no longer talkative, he looks uncomfortable and tense and he just sits there no longer contributing to the conversation,” the Black woman shares.

“Jack? He’s such a nice guy. I just don’t see what you see. And, maybe he just feels uncomfortable saying how he really feels or saying the wrong thing in diverse crowds. He’s a great person. Plus, there will be more people than just Jack so you don’t even have to interact with him,” the white woman defends.

“I don’t know all of Jack’s friends and don’t feel comfortable,” the Black woman states as a matter of fact while she slowly lies down getting comfortable on the couch in the apartment.

As the white woman opens the door to leave she replies, “I think you’re overreacting, Jack and his friends are good people. If you change your mind just text me.”

In the above scenario, the white woman not only neglects her roommate sharing her feelings of discomfort but further attempts to discredit her roommate’s perception of Jack as well as her lack of ease in his presence.

This may be a seemingly small interaction to those of us who do not experience daily racialized trauma; though, this daily form of gaslighting is how we live out our white supremacy — making our perceptions of people and situations the standard for how all others should interpret. It is harmful and disconnects us from the pain and reality we do not want to reckon.

The conversation looks different when we acknowledge how others feel, we sit with the harm we have had a part in co-creating in relationships and then we have the choice to be complicit or to change. Let me illustrate by providing the same scenario without the gaslighting and instead an honest conversation holding space for tension.

TAKE TWO

Imagine a white woman and her roommate who is a Black woman are both invited to a birthday party of a colleague of theirs. The white woman is excited to go and is looking forward to unwinding after a long week. To the white woman’s surprise, when she asks her roommate if she is coming her roommate shares that she does not feel up to it tonight. The white woman responds, “It is Friday night — you love going out, why don’t you want to come?”

The Black woman shares, “I’m just feeling like I want to relax at home tonight.”

The white woman digs, “What? You’d rather stay at the apartment by yourself than come out, be with friends and socialize? That sounds lonely.”

The Black woman again forced to explain herself, “You know I just don’t feel comfortable around Jack.”

The white woman has never had a problem with Jack and calmly asks, “Jack? What happened?”

“It is not what Jack does or says it is what he doesn’t say that makes me uncomfortable. When people begin to talk about their feelings around police brutality and protests I notice he is no longer talkative, he looks uncomfortable and tense and he just sits there no longer contributing to the conversation,” the Black woman shares.

“Oh, I never noticed that about Jack,” the white woman responds.

“I know you don’t. I don’t know all of Jack’s friends and don’t feel comfortable,” the Black woman states matter of fact.

“If you feel uncomfortable that’s enough not to come. Now that you mention that about Jack I’m thinking and can see where you are coming from and I’ve never asked him directly where he stands,” the white woman states.

The Black woman nods, “I’ve known where he has stood from the day I met him. He didn’t have to say something racist in my presence for me to feel uncomfortable. He is very reserved when I’m around, avoiding current events as well as politics and how he acts in my presence speaks more words than his mouth needs to for me to understand his feelings about me or my community.”

The white woman, “I never knew you were uncomfortable all of those times we went out after work, to Cubs games with colleagues…why didn’t you say something?”

The Black woman, “If I didn’t go, I look uninvested in the company, in the team and it would be held against me and everybody would notice if I didn’t come.”

White woman, “That’s unfair and shouldn’t be your burden.”

Black woman, “To survive at work, it is my reality.”

What happens next?

Does the white woman leave for the party?

Does she stay and talk more with her roommate?

Does she sit and stay in the comfort her whiteness provides her at work and socially with colleagues? The very comfort not provided to her friend and roommate.

Does she operate out of white saviorism and white “allyship” and move right to action to fix and address the issue and Jack?

Does she sit with herself and contemplate how she can be a better friend and roommate and act in ways that align with being a co-conspirator?

Does she partner with her colleague in creating more inclusive spaces?

You may be critiquing (which is fair and I’m also trying to make the scenario quasi-realistic) that the white woman is learning about her whiteness from her relationship with the Black woman and leaning heavily on her emotional labor. This is true and is too often the burden of BIPOC. Though, if the roommates have a genuine relationship or are ever going to — this is opening up to connection, understanding rather than further discrediting the Black woman’s experience.

More broadly, we have a responsibility if we are working towards anti-racism to recognize we are gaslighting individuals and communities of color. We also have a responsibility to do so when we are in conversation with other white identifying people who have whitewashed and racist beliefs. If we say nothing, we make the gaslighting acceptable and further co-create and encourage racist thinking and behavior. In these moments, we prioritize our comfort over anti-racism. Each moment we have a choice of what we will do.

Brave souls, what will you choose?

In solidarity,

Dr. Tanya