While scanning through the nonsense on Facebook, I came across a meme an acquaintance posted. The picture was of a toilet, and next to the toilet was one of those hoses with the sprayer on the end that Americans typically have in their kitchen sinks to spray off heavy food residue. The picture captured my interest for a particular reason, and so I gave the post a few more seconds of my time to see what was written.
The words attached to the meme mocked the set-up by stating how ridiculous it was that they tried to go with the cheapest plumber for installing a bidet, and this is what they got.
The thing is: that set-up of the nice strong sprayer being installed next to the toilet is exactly what they do in the Middle East. And before you laugh and allow racist thoughts like “silly Arabs” pass through your head, let me tell you: It’s wonderful!
No really, you do your business on the toilet, and then before wadding up a ton of toilet paper and going back into your crack again and again to wipe, you spray all the leftovers out and then just use a bit of toilet paper to dry off. This is highly superior to the American way. Yes, I just wrote that. Because American, I’m terribly sorry to point this out, but your butt is dirty.
No matter how many times you go back in there with the paper, you will never quite get it all. Plus, your butt gets sore. I’ve often been blessed with those dry poops that require little wiping, but when a messy one comes along — things dry out and become sore rather quickly. Give me the sprayer over the American way to clean out the crevasse any day.
Now about those carpets… This is not a Middle East thing I am going to bring up here; it’s more of an entire world practice.
Here in the US, we put on our shoes and walk out into the world. We walk on the sidewalks where things are spilled and insects crawl and defecate. We walk through the grass where our pets pee and poop. We walk through the grocery aisles where other people have walked with their shoes and have come from who-knows-where and stepped in I-don’t-want-to-know-what.
And then return home and leave those shoes on and walk all over our carpets and tiles. So, in addition to having a residue of feces in our butt cracks, we’ve tracked all sorts of nastiness into our house and spread it over all our floors.
Our apartment managers recently sent some people in to do a fire safety inspection. Being unemployed, I was able to meet them at the door.
“Oh, hello,” I warmly greeted the two women. “Could I trouble you to take off your shoes?”
“Really? I mean, I’m not wearing socks, so I’ll be walking around in my bare feet.”
“That’s ok,” I respond kindly. “I’m sure your feet are cleaner than those shoes that just walked over the places where the dogs pee.”
Awkward silence and obvious reluctance to remove their shoes. I stand looking at them for a bit, and then begin to nod a little to encourage them.
“You see, we have a baby who crawls around, so we really need you to just slip those shoes off and help me out with that.”
The woman smiles that big toothy American smile and says, “Well, you see, we’re Americans, and we don’t normally take our shoes off.”
A quick side note: I am also an American, born and raised, and am not speaking with any accent.
“I guess I’m just a clean American then,” I say as the smile slides away from my face. “Please take off your shoes. I insist.”
And they got on with their business after one of them took off their shoes, and the other stayed at the door looking at me as if I was the jerk in that situation.
It is not un-American to be clean. Nor is it un-American to learn from other cultures. We’re a nation of immigrants and the people our ancestors displaced when then arrived here. We’ve always incorporated the ways of the world and made them our own. Why have we resisted the bidet and removing our shoes for so long?
We can certainly put our own spin on things to Americanize them. Imagine a line of Old Faithful bidets. You can always count on Old Faithful to blast out the residue from your crevasse. Or a Don’t Tread On Me campaign to stamp out dirty shoes tracking filth onto our carpets. How about bidet hoses shaped like a fireman’s hose? We could call them butt hydrants. Pun me a campaign and a product, pretend we Americans came up with it long ago and that it isn’t a foreign idea at all. Anything other than continuing to act as if being clean is un-American.
Now, about this whole situation where mayonnaise is automatically put on every sandwich I find in the grocery store. Seriously…
