2016 AD (After Degree)

You walk across a stage in a building named after the military industrial complex, shake the hands of several people you’ve never met before, and ride off into the sunset on a horse named “Adulthood”. The horse is only a rental — it’s hard to make big purchases in today’s economy without a loan. When you’re a recent Science Bachelor who knows What Buttons To Press To Make Things, there’s an inevitable laundry list of questions and topics that your friends, family, and Uber drivers will always ask you. What does the new iPhone taste like? How many bitcoins is too many? Hell if you know but you sure have an answer for them anyway — after all, you have a degree.

It’s morning. Slackbot reminds you to get coffee, but it’s too late, you are already coffee. Your friend texts you to invite you to her weekly bartending class on Friday, but you remember you can’t call it “social alcoholism” anymore now that you’ve graduated. What’s a Moscow Mule? You’re not certain but maybe you’ll go anyway just in case that comes up again during pub trivia.

You’re hanging out with family friends and your parents. They ask you when you’re moving to San Francisco. You reply “When they put out the fire!”, knowing full well there’s neither enough water to put out the fire nor fill a well. You like your job, but everyone else has made the decision for you that you’re moving to SF at some point, because they’ve never heard of the company you work for.

Sarcasm isn’t a language but you’ve purchased the Rosetta Stone software pack for it anyway. Your job gives you a discount for this sort of thing, but only if you write a proposal indicating business need. “Hmm, better not”, you think, because your business proposal would show you’re already fluent.

Adulthood kicks over your monitor. Shit, you forgot to return the horse, there’s probably late fees. You bribe a Lyft driver by agreeing to edit his homepage for a month, and he drops the horse back off for you. It’s a wordpress blog. You install a brutalist theme which removes everything but the article titles and the copyright — he thanks you profusely. Cool guy.

You open your banking app to check on your 401k. After paying the 401k status check microtransaction fee they’ve included, you can see that your portfolio is mostly composed of dogecoin and something called “errata”. You shrug, that sounds low risk.

The weekend rolls around and you’re at the bartending class. Your friend teaching the class says “Cool, let’s get started! I’m going to need you to sign this NDA first before we talk about this business idea I had”. The old switcheroo. You chug three White Russians because your favorite movie is The Big Lebowski and last week’s lesson is still fresh in your mind, and sign, just to see.

My god, she’s pitching you “Uber but for horses”. That’s absolutely brilliant. Your rich uncle will totally invest, looks like you’re moving to Frisco after all.