I’m finally doing something fulfilling with my life and it has nothing to do with my studies.
Am I not passionate about my degree anymore? – and other questions to fuel my identity crisis.
Ever since I started learning, my parents taught me that school was everything. Pay attention in school, enjoy your classes, get good grades. This was the road to success. For the most part, I did get good grades and I did enjoy my classes. I was always fond of learning and I wanted to try a little bit of everything, which made it hard for me to choose a major.
Fast forward a couple of years and here I am, in my second year working towards a Bachelor’s degree in Interaction Design. It seems like the perfect fit for me, I get to try a little bit of everything; some coding, visual design, 3D modelling, video editing. First year was great. I enjoyed the majority of my classes equally and was passionate about everything I was learning. However, things started to change as I entered my second year. I started to think more about my future. I began to realize what my preferences are. I’m much more interested in my Design Systems and Research class rather than my 3D Design class. I’m more passionate about the projects and the course material in that class and I cannot comprehend 3D modelling. In my mind, that’s not okay. I have to enjoy everything I’m learning. My peers seem to be engaged and passionate about every class, why can’t I be? After all, nothing is more important than school. I should focus all my energy towards my education. To fuel this already irrational train of thought, I realized that I am much happier at work than in the classroom. I work at my college’s student union and plan engagements for various awareness initiatives such as mental health awareness, healthy campus life, amongst others. I’m also a part of my college’s WUSC Local Committee. WUSC, an acronym for World University Service of Canada, is a non-profit organization that provides employment, empowerment and education opportunities for youth, women and refugees around the world. I’m incredibly passionate about this initiative. It’s the most fulfilling thing in my life right now and it has absolutely nothing to do with my studies.
What does this mean? Am I not a real designer? Do I like my studies? Will I be happy and passionate in this field? Should I change majors?
The answers to these questions are confusing and vary. Some days, I’ll confidently answer that “Yes, of course I am a real designer. I’m allowed to have other passions on the side”. Other days, the imposter syndrome will kick in. I’ll begin finding excuses as to why I’m an average designer (although, during these days, calling myself a designer sounded strange). I recently began putting my portfolio together using Squarespace. I sent it to one of my friends for her thoughts and she said it looked really nice. Automatically, my instincts kicked in and I told her that “I used a template. Anyone can do it, it’s nothing special. It’s actually pretty basic so don’t give me much credit”. Even though I know that most people use Squarespace when starting off, I still consider myself a fraud. I feel like this when I use InVision mockups for a UI project, when I copy and alter code for a coding assignment. I know that I don’t want to be a developer and I know that hardly anybody writes code from scratch. Regardless, these things bother me. They send me into fits of anxiety, making me questions my identity.
I wish I had a clear solution, a clear answer to my questions. I wish I could cut myself some slack. I am only 20 years old. I really don’t need to have my entire life figured out by now. My generation feels like if we aren’t productive every second of every day, we’re not going to amount to anything. We believe that we need to have a clear goal in mind and strive towards it. That’s bullshit. I can multitask. I can be passionate about more than one thing and those things don’t have to relate to each other. They can be on opposite ends of the spectrum. My passions aren’t limited to my studies. I can be passionate about my hobbies, my extracurriculars, the little things that keep me going. I’m still young, I have so much more to learn. Maybe my degree won’t feel fulfilling to me until after I graduate, until I develop a better understanding of who I am, as a designer and as a person. I don’t have all the answers right now, nor do I have to have them. However, I’m starting to realize my different dimensions. My studies do not solely define my identity. I am not limited to only being one thing.
“I am large. I contain multitudes.” — Walt Whitman