On Winning

I’m sitting on top of the world,
Reading and rereading my award-winning prose
Allowing the story to seep into me and flow
over me to retell and

oh, balls that looks like shit.

Why didn’t I edit that passage?
Why did I use that cheap alliteration?
I have to do better than this

My work impressed an author I’ve admired for ten years.
My work won her contest.

I have to do better. This would never make the cut
not for my teachers in high school,
much less for my teachers in college
(especially that asshole TA)
not for my partner who loves me and is doing his own writing,
not for my friends who know I can write better than this,
not for me.

I won! I won $25 cash, even!
My friends are all so excited, I have
31 Facebook likes and loves and 
4 comments (only two are my parents) and
it’s only been 44 minutes since I posted
those 7 little words:
Holy cow, I won a writing contest!

Does quantifying my success make it acceptable?
Can I take pride in something I wrote
when it looks only half-finished?
I should allow myself to enjoy this
I should be happy
and all I can see is the grammatical errors
that I wouldn’t have missed if someone else was the author.

I won a writing contest. I’ll do better next time.