When your worst fear won’t come close to killing you.

September 17th was the day I received a letter from the hospital, telling me that the bunch of tests I had undergone a couple weeks before (blood tests for arthritis and other potential autoimmune conditions, and a nuclear bone scan) all came up normal. That letter scared me to the extent that I lost it, but that’s probably more due to it going missing in the house move. My worst case scenario was written on that page, and looked more and more likely to be coming true.

December 19th came and I had the follow-up hospital appointment (it’s the NHS, don’t be surprised), where a metaphorical bunch of coal was this year’s Christmas present. A long talk with the doctor saw neither of us be able to think of a condition that could cause the pain that hadn’t already been ruled out. …

We had one heck of a journey.

Travelling back from London on Monday, I intended to write this and have it up that day. Instead, I broke down and cried. It was the first time where I was alone since the semi-final, and only one word could really describe it:

Since then, other things have kept me busy and I didn’t want to write this, but I felt it was time to get this done at least. Taking part in season four of the Gfinity Elite Series has been fantastic. I had a few home/life problems at the start of the season (some of those closer to me would be aware I had a “not smooth” house move recently) and having somewhere I could escape to on a Saturday was a lifesaver, mixing with a people who I knew and got to know as well as having a small impact helped my mental state too. …

It’s been a journey.

I’m not a sentimental person, but I thought I’d crack one of these out to attempt to be a semi-normal person. Enjoy.

This year didn’t get off to a good start for me. Recently kicked out of a fledgling-yet-established esports organisation, I lost a good portion of my income. With my motivation hitting a huge low I could barely string sentences together. With imposter syndrome setting in and a constant feel of packing it in, it was a struggle to do anything but regurgitate occasional press releases which constantly dropped my belief in everything.

I managed to find short glimpses of hope. Doing work for various ESL, IEM, Unikrn among others. By some miraculous stroke I didn’t get the boot from Esports Insider and somehow still sort of there now. I managed to hang on by what felt like a hair’s breadth at times but I managed to bodge a way forward. I’ve managed to grow myself alongside see new writers and people come forward. …