Concern trolls: the only people ‘promoting an unhealthy lifestyle’ are YOU

CW: sexual assault, self harm, self loathing, self fatphobia, fatphobia, mental illness, bullying, substance abuse, be warned.

Fat people who are unashamed and refuse to hate themselves based on their gravitational pull against the earth are all familiar with this tune. You’ll find it somewhere in the comments of 99.999% articles about plus fashion, body positivity, and god forbid fatphobia on the internet.

You’re minding your own business reading some blog post about a plus fashion blogger who tried scented lingerie for a day, and there it is in the comments.

“YOU ARE PROMOTING AN UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE!!”

The above is a comment on one of my favorite fashion blogs, showing a girl standing around in clothing. The idea that fat women are dangerous to other women simply by existing is what I’m getting at here. Because that’s the root of what makes this so terrifying.

And if you’re me, having lived your entire life as a fat girl, with enough perspective to realize that body weight and appearance aren’t fucking moral yardsticks, every damn time it makes you want to burn the planet to the ground.

Yeah, I’m a little angry.

And I have every right to be. From age 12 onward I had it hammered into me that I would never get a boyfriend if I was fat, that boys didn’t like fat girls, and on and on all boiling down to my fierce, resolute belief that I was unworthy of love, at age 16 or 17, because I was weak, and ugly, and I deserved all the discrimination and cruelty and hate I could physically absorb, because I was fat. And being fat made me worthless. Less human.

That’s how little girls are taught that their worth as human beings are measured. By their looks. By their ability to be attractive to men.

But when I went off to college I finally got skinny! Want to know how I achieved my healthy self???

Cocaine and starvation. I spent 2/3rds of college blackout drunk collapsing into bed with anyone who would fuck me, because I thought somehow, desperately, that maybe if enough people fucked me, that would make me like myself more.

Hint: it didn’t. Oh, during this time I was also burning my skin with cigarettes on a daily basis. Because that’s how I felt. Like a trash receptacle. Because I was a fat girl. And because sometimes emotional pain is so intolerable that physical pain seems like a relief.

SUPER HEALTHY, RIGHT??

See what concern trolls miss, that betrays them for what they are — bigots who can’t even be honest and face the music about being bigots, is that ‘health’ has two equally important aspects: physical health…and emotional/psychiatric health.

Emotional health is just as important for human beings as physical health, and even the idea that fat people are automatically unhealthy and skinny people are automatically healthy is bullshit. As I just proved.

And deliberately ignoring all the evidence that shaming and bullying fat people doesn’t work to make them any healthier while you drive them further into self-loathing is fucking dangerous. You’re dangerous.

This is on the first page when you search ‘body positivity online publications’. How dare these people accuse our movement (designed to teach women to find joy and love in themselves regardless of how they look based on the notion that everyone deserves to be happy and love themselves, regardless of their appearance or health) of killing women, when they’re perpetrating the idea that unhealthy people deserve to hate themselves and experience a lifetime of discrimination and cruelty? That’s monstrous, and indefensible in the same society where pro-eating disorder blogs exist (for many of the same reasons fatphobia does). There are hundreds of pro-anorexia blogs out there, but fat girls happiness — their existence is killing women? Fuck right off.

Back to my personal story for a second. I gained all the weight back after college, but didn’t lose any of the self loathing or depression or self harm tendencies. A few years later I got drunk once again and was drugged and raped by three men. It took me two years to admit it wasn’t my fault, during which time I became a heroin addict, because I wasn’t in therapy or dealing with my PTSD at all — I didn’t even know I had PTSD, and even if I had, I wouldn’t have had a clue how to deal with it in a healthy way, nor would I have considered myself worth it. I escaped death twice, not for lack of trying, and got clean and it was only last year, at age 32, that I truly stopped believing that I was just getting what I deserved and I would die alone, because I was fat.

And if you think I’m going to let you and your ‘health’ taradiddle prevent me from doing everything possible so that no one ever has to go through that wasteland of misery again, just for being fat, you’re in for a sweet fucking shock.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO LOVE THEMSELVES REGARDLESS OF THEIR WEIGHT OR APPEARANCE OR HEALTH. IF YOU DISAGREE, FIGHT ME.

YOU KNOW WHO DOESN’T DESERVE TO LOVE THEMSELVES? Anyone who takes every opportunity they can get to make themselves feel good by perpetrating suffering. Everyone who argues that more self-hatred and bullying is the healthy choice. Anyone who appoints themselves as judge and jury over other people living their own lives in peace. Bigots. Fatphobes. And it boils my blood that I’m the one who spent the decade hating myself in your place.

Never. Again. Do you understand me?