Opening up myself to the world

The last week has been extremely harsh on me. It has not only thrown me into a cycle of realistic negative events, but also deep self-reflections. When I know the source of the problems, however, that it was always, through a single red strand of karma and fate, connected exactly to the way that I have dealt with these problems, or rather, with every aspect of my life in general, then I know for a fact that I must take action, I must take action immediately, even if I have run away from it so many times, I know that if I continue to run away, that’s the exact way, on another nice Saturday morning, everything is just gonna collapse on me.

I have been marathoning at Coder Academy, in the words of my mates, like a ‘mad dog’. I would consume the content that is taught in class outside of coursework at least twice. During class hours, I would ask Mike so many questions, ones that I have thought about, not just then, but ever since I saw the other online lectures, that probably Mike would have expected every question popping up in mid air to be by me.

It just all fell on me last Saturday however, as if the ceiling had just been broken apart.

I stopped doing extra extra work for class one week ago. Because of the overwhelming amount of stress that had been piled up. The quarantine was driving me crazy, and so was the downfall of the economy. I was no longer positive of a safe and smooth job recruitment right after the course due to the changing condition of the world. All hell descended on me: the fact that my mate at Atlassian told me that I should learn Kotlin or the very least Scala or Java and make an Android app. The fact that I am not sociable enough and the quarantine is only decreasing further my chance at breaking into the industry smoothly without having to go into long wait periods because a workaholic like me cannot take one single day of rest.

Today, things settled down however. I talked to my friends. I talked to Ross. I didn’t talk to Ross about my problems. I love Ross. Ross is one of the brightest candidates in our current cohort. I thought for many times, it must be very lucky to be Ross’ girlfriend. I don’t know. Ross just gives me the feeling that everything is just gonna be alright, or rather, that he’ll be alright, and because of that, things will be alright. Ross wasn’t in any panic like me at all. He won almost all the class kahoots, studied everything diligently and not feeling rushed. If Ross is not rushed, why would I feel rushed? It doesn’t make any sense.

I showed my girlfriend a picture of Ross. Ross looks like he is Scandinavian. “Half Irish”, he answered. Ross has well-structured jawlines. His hair is a bit light in tone. I wanted to show her another photo of Ross, so I went on his Twitter.

Ross has been posting diligently on Twitter. He seems to have formed a pretty cozy network on it. Seems like I am the only one who’s missing out on the social activities because of the quarantine. I promptly followed Ross, and followed a bunch of other people I saw randomly who are also in the current cohort.

Someone messaged me on LinkedIn as well, also a bootcamp graduate. I guess socializing is not that difficult.

I cried a bit today. A few days ago, my life was completely upside down. You know, it’s the feeling when you have tried the best in your life, and then one day, you realize that it is exactly because you have tried your best, that’s why things don’t work out for you? That one! That one…

And you know, I tried my best. To the extent that even if I don’t pay attention in class, I’d still be a long way from the bottom. If that fact is not established, I will never be able to be satisfied with myself.

But these past few days, it really came to me. I couldn’t try my best anymore. It wasn’t because I burned out. How could I burn out. Or at least, not burning out because of programming, but rather, because of life. I tried my best not just at programming, but at life. And it still turned it back on me. You know?

I managed to get through it though. Hell is man’s bestfriend. The harder the better. I talked to Akari. Akari is the closest I can think of someone who is approximate to a good person. And yes, I do think that most people are not good enough. It is only by putting up such a high standard, that I won’t ever feel disappointed.

But I talked to Akari. So it was good. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to say too much you see? It’s really difficult. But if I don’t, I’ll make the same mistake again… So I have to keep going.

I talked to Huong. I apologised to Huong for everything that happened. I had to do it, even though I have postponed it for five years already, I have to do it, otherwise my life won’t ever be better.

But I talked to Wendy. I said weird things to Wendy, things that maybe she would not understand, but I had to tell her, even if she didn’t, because I needed to say it, you know, what I think, to people, because I want to say it to them, even if they don’t understand it.

And I talked to my girlfriend. Actually, I didn’t just talk to her, I told her she cannot just quit uni, quit everything in her life, go buy a freaking van, and just leave everything behind.

I don’t know if you will ever understand me. I don’t know. Because I love Lisa so much, I gave her every choice, whoever I love, I have given them all the freedom that they’d ever want and need, just as my mother had done so for me.

Which was why she suffered so much, and she never learned why I needed her to say it to my face.

So I said it to Lisa’s face. I said it. I cried. I said, you know I love you so much. I just hope one day, you can understand that it pains me but I have to do it because I love you.

I know. You might never understand, but it’s ok. From now on, I can’t keep having the truth be squashed upon by everyone anymore. I have to protect it at all costs. Even if you don’t understand it, I will have to do it. Even if you say that I am wrong, I will have to do it, even if you say that I have no mercy, I will still have to do it.

Just the same as the fact that I never chose to go to Australia, I never chose to go to uni, I never chose to be born, I never chose to be relied on by my friends, I never chose to take on responsibilites. Everything chose me, and from the beginning, I have never had any choice. The moments I thought I had choices, was when I couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take how harsh and how difficult life is, couldn’t take the fact that God no one can’t see how much I try, and all they do is relying on me, and they can’t help me, but I know why because I never ask them for it, I never ask anyone for it, because I am so cautious, and there has never been anyone who I think is good enough to open my heart to. But all of that has to stop… but all of that has to stop…

I’m sorry, I have not shown myself, I’m sorry, I have always hidden myself, I’m sorry, I have not opened up myself, I’m sorry I am supposed to uphold the truth but I have made this one mistake. I will do it from now on.

Inside me, I will continually collect everything, my apologies, my heart, my sincerity, my striving. I need to collect all of them. So one day… I can make myself smile, I can make the people I care about smile, I can make my parents smile, I can make my dad, who tries so much in life, who sacrifices everything in his capacity to do what’s best, and my mum, who tries in every way she can to make me become a good person, even though I have picked up every good thing about her, as much as every mistake she has, smile. So that they know that they are not perfect, but without their hardwork, I’d never have gotten so far, I’d never have come so far.

Do I still have to be the best? Of course I do!

But this time around, just a little bit different. Just a little bit different, and a little bit better.

Today, the tide has set down, and the sky has turned blue once again. At least today, I can feel at peace.