Once again the day is ruined. Thanks to my big mouth. I’ve always told myself ' Hannatu. You should learn to keep your mouth shut and mind your business or you’ll get into big trouble one day' but I’ve never listened, you know the thing is I’m real good at talking to myself. ' don’t do this' 'do that' ' don’t go here' 'go there' etc but it’s always as if i do exactly the opposite of my pep talk. Now i didn’t listen to myself and I’m in big trouble.! Minding my business is hard. Especially when you have just a few friends and all you meet to do is gossip, We even create social media groups just so we can always keep in touch . Update as we usually call it. So now there’s three things you’ve learnt about me. A big mouth. I don’t mind my business. A gossip. O yes i accept I’m a gossip. Everybody is. But not everybody would accept it.
But that’s by the way though, back to me being a large mouthed piece of shit. I Woke up early this morning to the sound of my alarm clock. I didn’t want to wake up but good heavens the career woman in me had to. I struggled to the bathroom chanting my morning mantra
I am an independent strong black woman
I am Beautiful
I am ambitious
I am wealthy
I know my worth
I AM A QUEEN.
Over and over again i repeated the words. They have become part of me. I just open my mouth and they roll out of me like a man of God speaking in tongues. I finally got to the bathroom sink. Brushing my teeth is always some kind of wahala for me. I battled between actually brushing my teeth or just using the mouthwash that I hated. My fingers moved but my mind wasn’t ready. It went straight to the mouthwash. I quickly cleaned up, got in a suit, popped a gum in my mouth and wore my slippers. My shoes were by the door so I picked them up and headed out. Now see the thing with being single and living alone is this. That independence you’ve always wanted, you get it without asking for it but it’s hard to keep up. I could easily just get someone to do everything for me and I just pay the person but mama has always put this fear in me that people you bring into your home will always find a way to slander you. I got used to cleaning my car myself on the weekends and I was cooking food for myself even after a busy day, cleaning up the house before work and opening the gate for myself etc. I got to the office early and the usual 'morning ma’am, Miss Hanny how was your night? ' followed. It was as if everyone in the office had practiced to greet me that way. Which kind of oyinbo wahala is this. What happened to the good one old loud and clear 'Good morning ma’. Don’t mind me. I like it the way it is now.
I started to check my schedule as soon as i got to my seat. Meeting at 12 with Anis. I laughed a bit and rolled my eyes. I knew it was going to be an interesting day. I met Anis a few years ago before i became big Madam. I had worked with him and then work turned into a small romance. He didn’t sweep me off my feet like other men did. I didn’t feel the butterflies in my tummy and I have no idea what freaking pushed me to this man but he was really special . Was it his soft heart? His honesty? His ambitions? I still can’t place a finger on it. Our romance blossomed I never got comfortable around him. I couldn’t read him. He was like he had built the great walls of Anis around him. I didn’t push it. I just drowned myself in work and I left everything to fate. We eventually lost contact and now here we are. About to have a meeting.
Let’s fast forward 2 hours later. My office. Just me and Anis. I was talking. Trying had to sound smarter than I used to sound and older etc but he had this face. The face i hated the face I could never read. I never understood his expressions and here he was doing it again. I dropped my pen and looked at him. Still nothing and then he did the thing with his hand asking what? I said ‘nothing’ I wasn’t going to give him the chance to think I miss him or something. The meeting finished. He gave his input on how working with me would make his company better blah blah blah. For real i didn’t hear a word he was saying. He got up and just as he got to the door he turned around and asked 'Would you like to have dinner with me?’, I froze . I didn’t even expect that. 'Hanny’, 'Hanny' 'Hannatu' Yes i answered Softly.. He said he’ll have Ahmed pick me up at 7, I wanted to be excited. But I was scared. I was tired of the intimidation. I’ll just say it now. My perfect man intimidated me. I didn’t know how to act around him, What to say and what not to say. I didn’t know when to kiss him. When to hold him. Arrrgh
I didn’t know how to do anything around him. Time passed faster than usual. 5pm and i didn’t want to leave the office. I reluctantly forced myself up and walked out. This is great. Just great. One question he asked and I didn’t think i just said yes. Just like that?Is it juju?
6:30 and Ahmed was at my gate. I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t even have breathing space because i want to go on a date with Uncle Anis. I picked up the call and told him I’ll be done at 7 as planned. I was still in sweatpants and a Tee even tho I had freshened up I was in no mood to dress up. My ankara dress was laid on the bed. With my shoes, earrings and purse. I stared at them on then bed for a while till i remembered i had no time. Quickly i wore my dress which was off shoulder and long enough to cover my knee cap ane off shoulder. Put on some light make up. Nothing serious i said to myself. Tied my braids up in a bun and wore my shoes. I walked past the mirror 3-4 times before i finally left the room. I had already told my friends i was going on a date with Anis. At his house. Ah! I don’t like thinking this girl.
Anyway dinner was fine. Extremely quiet as usual except when he told me I looked beautiful and the occasional are you okay babe, or do you want a refill and that’s it. Dinner was over and we moved to the living room. Next thing I know Ed Sheerans Bloodstream is playing. Ahn ahn. Why is he making the mood so bedroomy. I promised myself it was just dinner and that’s it. Fast forward. An hour later and it was the second bottle of wine. We didn’t talk much just listened to music with my feet on his thighs. He pulled me said something about me dressing up just to seduce him. We laughed and that’s when my big mouth opened. This mouth of mine that wants to disgrace me in front of my enemies. 'I’ve missed you so much' I couldn’t even recognize my own voice as the words flew out of my mouth. I tried to hold it back but it was too late bruh. He smiled and it all went downhill from there. Pfft! I shouldn’t be lying. It went uphill. Now I’m in his bed naked and I don’t even know how to get up. Too ashamed to look at him. I told myself it was just dinner but how does dinner end up in the arms of a man you’re running away from because you’re too in love with him to actually stay?