Duncan Dwyer
May 31, 2019 · 4 min read

WE ASSEMBLED AN UNPRECEDENTED FIELD OF QUALIFIED WOMEN CANDIDATES, SO NOW CONSIDER OUR WHITE MALE PRODUCT OFFERINGS

By Duncan Dwyer

Unlike our friends across the aisle, we here at the Democratic Party both can and do read your letters. We have heard the voice of the people, and we know that womenʼs perspectives matter to you. We are proud that this time around we are offering not one, not two, not three, but FOUR highly qualified and accomplished women candidates (and also Tulsi Gabbard). Your message was loud and clear, and we responded. We have given you this field of remarkable women with over one hundred years of combined experience, so now we hope youʼll get serious and take a good look at our fine line of White Male Candidates.

These are not your grandfatherʼs White Male Candidates (well, technically Biden was literally your grandfatherʼs candidate but, you know, “details”). These models are a fresh new take on our existing product line. We have never before offered so many options and features, so weʼre certain we can make 2020 “The Year of the White Male Candidate!”

Please review our product offerings and let us know if there are any models you would like included in our next catalogue.

New for 2020:

● The HandsyUncle -

Because sometimes a classic is best left alone, we kept all the features you loved about the BasicWhite — heʼs still both White and Male! — but weʼve added some upgrades in our new HandsyUncle model! He may look older, but heʼs just as vigorous and relevant as he was the first time he ran for president 30 years ago.

The HandsyUncle has all the grabbing and smelling action youʼve learned to tolerate, but this new version comes with our patented MaleButWithEmotions technology. Heʼs still a Manʼs Man, and heʼs just as likely as ever to challenge a debate opponent to a fist fight in the parking lot… but now he does it in defense of women!

Through our revolutionary collaborative marketing partnership with Old Spice, a firm handshake from the HandsyUncle will transport voters to a safer time when real men still smelled like the inside of a YMCA gym locker right after an invigorating game of racquetball.

Pull the string on the back of his ill-fitting blazer and the HandsyUncle says fifteen lovable blue collar catchphrases, like “malarkey!” and “itʼs a big fucking deal!”

● The Sk8erBoi -

At the Democratic Party, we know it is important to appeal to all niche groups, however small and meaningless. Thatʼs why weʼre offering GenerationX voters one of our most exciting candidates yet, The Sk8erBoi! This model doesnʼt just have that “it” factor voters demand (weʼre talking about a penis), heʼs also edgy and young enough to appeal to various no-issues demographics!

Weʼre thrilled to announce that we brought on board master character designer Joss Whedon to create this rebel-with-some-vague-causes candidate! Sk8erBoi comes with a number of exciting features and accessories, like a generic punk rock t-shirt, hip lingo and pop-culture references from the 1990s, embarrassing stories of misspent youth, and posable legs that allow the candidate to sit atop any number of inappropriate surfaces.

Sk8erBoi is by far our coolest model, but heʼs not just about style. He also once nearly defeated the universally admired superstar senator Ted Cruz in an election where Cruzʼs own party didnʼt even fully support his campaign!

● The Berninator* -

The Berninator remains unchanged from the 2016 model of the same name, but it now comes with even more minions! These lovable miniature followers are irresistible in their cargo shorts, baseball caps, and t-shirts as they swarm behind the Berninator everywhere he goes. What voter could resist the adorable sight of this self-described band of radicals marching in lockstep while they scream at their archenemies The Mainstream Sheeple? Their new MansplaiNation feature helps them surround likely women voters in discussion forums and break down their resistance with sheer repetition and insult. Their arguments donʼt need to be coherent because there are just so many of them and they are SO… DAMN… LOUD!

[*] The Berninator is sold as-is and does not come with the standard four year warranty.

● The HeyHesNotGiuliani -

We added this mayoral model to our catalogue late this season because we saw the need for a White Male Candidate that looks enough like a Republican that he can appeal to consumers who appreciate a good haircut and clean cut suit.** The HeyHesNotGiuliani played well in regional testing, so we’ve made adjustments and added features for a national market. Not only does this model now come with his very own MetroCard, we added some of the outdated band references that played so well with Sk8rBoi consumers too! His fellow New Yorkers might not like him, but they sure like him more than Trump!

[**]Tie accessory is removable to better fit candidate in Iowa playset.

● The BarelyLegal*** -

Speaking of mayors, we are so very excited to finally announce that our newest model now comes in Gay! Thatʼs right voters, the BarelyLegal has all the features of our best selling White Male Candidates, including non-optional fatigues, frequently referenced Christianity (the “good kind”), and a personality as milky as his complexion… but this oneʼs Gay too!

Heʼs a rising star in the Mayoral ranks, governing over a metropolis with a population so big it just missed making the Largest 300 U.S. Cities List (damn you Davenport, Iowa!). And we didnʼt call this model BarelyLegal for nothing! We checked, he almost didnʼt meet the Constitutional age requirements!

[***] Experience sold separately.

Still not satisfied with our fine line of White Male Candidates? Contact a local sales representative to discuss other 2020 models including “The WeedStateGuv,” “The OtherWeedStateGuv” “The “NoSeriouslyHesAntiChoice,” and “The WeNeededAGuyFromCaliforniaToo.”

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    Duncan Dwyer

    Written by

    Duncan Dwyer is a writer and activist living in Maine. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s and the Exquisite Corpse.

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