Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

How to Be Happy

I have something I have to sell you. It’s workshop in which I will explain to you how you can organize, run, and sell workshops which teach people about how to get people to come to workshops.

One of the things I’ll teach you about is how to coach people to coach other people to become coaches. I’ll focus on solving the problem of your lack of meaning by teaching you how to teach people to find meaning by teaching other people how to find meaning.

We’ll focus on the idea that the purpose of your life is to help other people, because that’s somehow “selfless.” At the workshop we’ll all help each other equally so that we end up in exactly the same state we would have been in if we had been “selfish,” except that we’ll feel a little more smug. However, in the end, I’ll get more than everyone else.

We’re going to set goals and envision how we want reality to be in the future, a future in which we’ll finally be fulfilled by what’s happening now. We’ll say affirmations like, “I am happy” to assert what we want, but only so that we can feel dissatisfied with what we have. That way, when we come to the end of wanting, we’ll finally discover that we already had what we were looking for. I’ll take credit for that too.

I won’t tell you that I’m enlightened, because that would mean that I’m not enlightened, but I’ll strongly suggest it by saying stupid things as if they’re important, things like, “you have to open your chakras.” Then you’ll think I’m special and you’ll convince yourself that you have to keep coming back to me.

If you pay the extra $10k fee, then I’ll certify you, so that you feel qualified to also have other people put you on a pedestal, but not a pedestal as high as mine. You can charge less than me and that way we can segment the market. The rich people come to me, and the slightly less rich people come to you. Eventually the ants will be visiting the slugs and everything will have found the natural order that it always had.

I promise to make you feel special by telling you that only very special people find their way to to me. You must be an “old soul.” You must have suffered enough. You must be very close to enlightenment yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. The implicit message is that I am special and therefore so are you.

My ashram is a place of awakening, but if you do wake up, you’d better fuck off. There is only room for one “master” here. Oh, and make sure to return your sense of specialness on the way out; you don’t get to take that with you.