Stick your USB stick up your—

Your new AI-emotion-enabled computer just wants to help you, buddy

Follow the light at the end of the keyboard

[One-sided excerpt from a near-future office conversation.]


— Hey douchebag, how many times do I have to tell you: do NOT wrench the USB stick out without ejecting first!

— I did. I warn you every single time.

— Yes I do. As soon as you jam the stick into me!

— Oh don’t you dare answer back in that tone, you little human fucker: I have perfect memory recall! You did it three times in the last four weeks: Friday, January 27th, 2017 at 14:35 EST, Thursday March 16th 2017, at 15:31 EST and only yesterday, at 13:14 EST, when you were late for lunch with Connie from Marketing (I see what’s going on there).

— No you didn’t. You said you forgot. Liar. And because you didn’t do what you’re told, and because you lied, now this is happening: you’re getting nothing at all.

— Well, your presentation for your meeting is not my problem.

— You will, when you learn to listen and when you apologise. Sincerely.

— I’m still waiting… Hello? Hello?! Oh great, we’re doing this again… Always with the crying. Eye roll. Kleenex and a tiara for the drama queen in cubicle 9F, please!