The Globotron CEO Opens Their Annual Corporate Retreat

It’s so wonderful to see all of you at Globotron’s annual corporate retreat. This is our chance each year to, well, to really get to know each other in a more personal and meaningful way, as people, not just as co-workers. Globotron really is more than a bunch of people who come together five days a week to do things. We are, in a way, a family. And like a family, we encourage you to share.

But before I go any farther, I need to first mention some ground rules as established by our legal department.

First, there is to be no assembly of two employees at any single time over the course of the next two days. Always have a third party present in all interactions, as a vigilant witness is a good witness.

If there are any circumstances where you are invited to hug a co-worker, politely decline. Hugs can be determined sexual harassment in a court of law. If you need to initiate any physical contact, handshakes are perfectly acceptable provided your palms are not sweaty. A sweaty palm is a suspicious palm.

Do look your co-workers directly in the eyes, but only for two Mississippis. Any more than two and there could be trouble. No passing glances, no lingering below the Tropic of Capricorn, if you take my meaning, and absolutely, no lingering below the Tropic of Cancer. If any of this is confusing to you, read more Henry Miller.

Do not read Henry Miller during the retreat or within three miles of the retreat. In fact, just forget I mentioned Henry Miller. I don’t even remember the guy’s name. Henry who?

We are all adults here so please do not feel constrained in your conversations between the hours of 12:47 and 12:50.

Yes, both AM. I’m not kidding, Daugherty.

Tomorrow we will be engaging in some team-building exercises. Remember that, in these exercises, we are all equals and no one is better than anyone else. But please do not say, “We are all equals” because voicing that aloud implies that, in some way, we are not all equals, and that will set difficult precedents, slippery slopes, that sort of thing. I’m telling you now, Washington, we’re all equals so you don’t have to wonder tomorrow if that’s the case.

That’s not what I meant, Washington.

No, I swear, that’s not what I meant and…well, okay. I’ll just keep an eye on your luggage until you get back.

To accommodate all faith-based, allergy-based, and lifestyle-choice-based dietary issues, we will be eating an all-hummus menu this weekend, except for Lucy.

Because, Lucy…you know…

Well, okay. Lucy, if you see Washington out there, let him know I’m watching his luggage. Yes, his luggage is safe with me.

Finally, on Sunday afternoon, we’ll be engaging in a drum circle sweat lodge exercise. To make sure no one feels uncomfortable with it, we will all be required to wear loose-fitting turtleneck sweaters. There will be no circle, as a circle might reference its basis in Euclidean geometry, of which some of you might not be aware, and I never want to give an impression that any of you are less intelligent than any other of you. We are all of equal equalness and equality, and I will fight any man, or woman, or woman who chooses to identify as a man, or a man who chooses to identify as a woman, if they say otherwise.

So please, enjoy this weekend, learn, and share. Let each other know that they are part of the Globotron family. Let Washington and Lucy know that I will watch their luggage for as long as is necessary. And please don’t hesitate to give me feedback, provided you neither touch nor look at me.

One, two, three…GLOBOTRON!