10/18/16 1129pm

“Haha ok wait,” that’s what I said to her. I felt so alone when I wasn’t with her. She was a relief to be around. I guess I’m cynical. Don’t be cynical because there is hardly any way of getting out of the cynicism.

I used to have a theory that the most depressed people also had the most potential. If you could feel so down about yourself. More down than most people. Than you also had the capacity to do great things. Much greater than regular people. It feels good right now to write and get out of my own head. That’s what I got. That’s the gift god gave me. When all else fails, I go to the phone or laptop nearby and I jot down some things.

“I was super emotional” she said. She wasn’t that attractive. In fact she was rather overweight. I came to the realization while driving from place to place that I was looking for happiness within some things other than myself. I looked for the happiness in my paychecks. It didn’t come that way. Then I looked for that happiness in my work. That didn’t do it. I looked for the happiness by helping others. That didn’t do it either. I looked for it in the women for a very very long time, but that didn’t do it. I probably gave off this vibe that I didn’t care about anything. I was raw and still am.

I want to be happy and confident. But I think that there’s some who seek it in their achievements. I’ve basically spent my whole life seeking happiness through my achievements.

I couldn’t afford financially to go to the shrink anymore. He declared me normal. That was reassuring. All I needed was one shrink to declare me sane and I could at least eat and sleep a little better.

I didn’t wake up excited to eat breakfast, or even lunch, the days I woke up later. I wasn’t even excited about eating dinner. I was keeping the alcohol away from myself so I thrived off coffee. I guess I even looked for happiness in that substance as well. I had searched for happiness in drugs and alcohol in the past. I had looked for happiness in relationships. It killed me when a mysoginist said that he wasn’t happy. It hit home. I shouldn’t call him a mysoginist, just cause society does. It’s weird. I was looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I looked for it in a YouTube channel. I looked for it in modeling and acting. I was always looking for it, but I know the end of this story, it’s within me. I hope that there’s a day when I can have the confidence and self respect to meet new people. It doesn’t seem like it’s tonight. Oh and I also looked for happiness in getting out of my comfort zone. I did that for awhile. Always searching for happiness somewhere externally. I don’t understand why more people don’t deal with these things. I really don’t get it. I guess many sell there souls for things. I understand now that the happiness and self-respect has to come from within. Maybe it will take pushing myself to do those things. Maybe it will take caring less about what people think about me. Maybe these words will be better for the future. At times, I feel I’m ahead of my time. I’ll always wonder about the stars.

I don’t really care to go back and look at the things I write. They’re not for me. The satisfaction is simply getting those thoughts out on the page. They say you have to drink and be a miserable womanizer to be a writer. Maybe I could challenge that theory. But one thing is for certain, I do need to work at this.

I guess the working part has gotten in the way for me in the past. I never understood why so many do it. Some of the words I put into these sentences just come out. I’m not bragging. I’ve just really looked for happiness in many of the wrong places I think. I’ve looked towards the woman for it so so often.

I don’t really have the confidence in myself to go up to a woman and start talking to her. There are many barriers. One being that she won’t like me and I’ll look like an idiot in front of whoever sees me. I guess this shouldn’t matter and I guess I still care too much what people think. I care because I like people. And I like them to like me.

The moral though of this writing sample is to find happiness in yourself before you try to show it to others. A man who wishes to serve others must first love himself. So do I love myself? Probably not, but also probably not for any good reason.

If I were to take that woman back with me to bed. I would probably regret sleeping with her as soon as we started fucking. That’s why I couldn’t do it. I usually didn’t let social pressure get to me if I could prevent it. I was beginning to realize that I really could chase a dream, as long as I was looking for happiness elsewhere. As long as I wasn’t trying to leach the happiness out of how important my role was. As long as I didn’t try to leach the happiness out of my friends, and as long as I didn’t try to leach the happiness out of my life. My experience. My being. These are still things from outside myself. It takes really looking at yourself and not keeping a tally to be truly happy. For some of us it’s easier than others. But that doesn’t matter. You’ve got one life and one body.

Some wise people would say to find it in the subtle beautiful things of life. But other than emotions, I don’t think that that truth has worked for me. My high sex drive gets in the way sometimes. But I could always jack off, though I don’t really see the point anymore.

I couldn’t find the happiness in talking to others. I couldn’t get lost in the socializing and get the happiness from that. Sure, getting out of your comfort zone is great. But happiness, that’s what I’m really after. I guess I should be thankful that I’ve come to this realization. But this doesn’t mean that the road to happiness and fulfillment has come to its end. I haven’t achieved it. This is just only a beginning realization. I could look into what has caused me to get to this point. I’m sure it has a lot to do with constantly searching for outside sources of happiness and stimulation. I think I should just be happy and content. It’s not gonna come from my shoes or my clothes either. Not gonna come from my car, or keeping a tally of all the good things I’ve done. It’s not gonna come from making new friends.

And I’m realizing that happiness is the only thing that matters. The many sexual partners don’t matter. The friends don’t matter. The 2 car garage and the house don’t matter. The clothes don’t matter. The great accomplishments don’t mean shit. It’s gotta come from within. And I’m relatively certain now that many people don’t find it. But helping them find it isn’t going to make me happy either. This seems to be a game that God or the gods have played on me. I’m not worrisome. Yes, I guess some people are. But you can be worrisome and happy. That’s why some of those who have cried for help, have never really gotten my attention. The being happiness has. I think that maybe there is a chance that bad people can be good leaders. It’s probably not ideal to be a bad person that is a good leader. But it might be the only step in the right direction that I have available right now. I wouldn’t even call myself a bad person, just not a perfect one. Thank god none of us are perfect or I would really be fucked.

I hate having to mess with emotions but at least she’s happy. I’m not yet, so it’s not the worst thing in the world. The first step towards happiness and fulfillment may be not listening to haters. People who try to bring you down for not seeing the world the way you do. I certainly am sensitive that’s for sure.

So I’ll continue to search for the happiness from within. And I’ll continue to follow this realistic dream I have. Fuck evil and fuck anything bad or wrong. Fuck Satan. I tell it to his face to Fuck off. He can eat so much shit and so many rocks for all I care. Stay away from me Satan. THey say you should look for help in a higher power. They say it’s ok to rely on something else. I guess that’s cool. I’m actually kind of neutral about the whole thing, but bad vibes and Satan can have their chocolate milk together. They’re as real as the old newspaper’s Sports section used to be to me.

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