What Your Jersey Number Says About You
In football, your jersey number is one of the few chances you get to show the world your personality. Other than your face mask, a towel, and maybe a hooded sweatshirt if you’re James Jones, there’s really no other way for fans to get a sense of your true self. Thus, choosing a number is no small task. It can truly make or break a career. So before you make the mistake of telling the equipment manager that you want to rock #57, let me inform you on what each jersey number says about you as an NFL player.
1: You’re the flashy QB who tries to escape the pocket just a little too early every time there’s pressure. Eventually your arm will catch up to your legs and you’ll be a superstar. You most likely wear a clear helmet visor.
2: Punter.
3: I hope to God you’re a Punter because if you’re a QB this football thing really isn’t going to work out.
4: You grew up idolizing Brett Favre but somewhere around the age of 14 realized you couldn’t throw the ball further than twenty yards. Therefore…PUNTER.
5: You’re a running QB who ran for 1,000 yds in college but frankly doesn’t have the arm talent to make it at this level.
6: A terrible Wide Receiver wore this number in the preseason. After he was unceremoniously cut, it goes unworn until next August.
7: You are one of the most confident players on the team. You have an absolute cannon for an arm and the whole team looks to you for guidance. However, you are literally chained to the pocket and will rush for no more than 88 yards TOTAL over your esteemed 16 year career.
8: You’re a solid QB. Maybe you’re left-handed? Actually yeah, you’re definitely left-handed.
9: You were a star soccer player in high school and now nail 53 yard field goals in your sleep.
10: You’re the punt returner. If only you had grown 5 extra inches…
11: You’re the team’s best WR and are very upset that NFL rules don’t allow you to wear #1 (which you obviously donned as the five-star recruit in high school and the superstar in college).
12: Your dad was the head Pop Warner coach and made you the starting QB at age 5. You transferred to three different high schools so you could start on the best team in the district. Though you under-performed at the college level, you are a franchise Quarterback bound for Canton.
13: You’re a boisterous Wide Receiver who spends more time planning his touchdown dances than actually learning the playbook. Luckily you have the speed and hands to make up for it. And oddly, you’re the most superstitious player on the team.
14: You’re the third-string QB from a college program that ran a spread offense. Enjoy your two meaningless Week 17 starts and five year career on the bench.
15: You played QB in college but transitioned to WR after being taken in the 6th round. Route running is clearly NOT your specialty.
16: You’re a slightly undersized QB with a good head on your shoulders.
17: You’re out here just hoping #12 gets hurt so you can take over the starting QB job. Because let’s be honest, that’s the only way you’re getting in the game buddy.
18: You’re that kicker who daydreams that he is athletic enough to play a real position. You chose this number exclusively for the tiny chance that some dumb 6-year old might mistake you for a WR and ask for your autograph.
19: You’re a super-tall WR who is too skinny to play Tight End. You know one route: a fade to the back of the endzone when your team is on the 3 yard line.
20: You’re the diminutive DB getting punked by #19.
21: You’re a ball-hawking Free Safety who often gets beat deep but has enough freakish athleticism to make up for it and get the pick.
22: Your first football hero was Emmitt Smith and therefore you are as vanilla as he is. You’re not that talented but hey, you never fumble. NEVER.
23: You’re a corner with great hops who wishes he was in the NBA. Too bad the greatness stored in this number doesn’t translate to the gridiron…
24: Darrelle Revis, Champ Bailey, Charles Woodson, Ty Law, Josh Norman. You damn well better be the best CB of your generation.
25: You’re an above-6-foot Corner who excels in getting pass-breakups but doesn’t have the hands to turn them into picks.
26: You play your entire career opposite a true shutdown Corner and get shredded because the opposing team is too scared to throw to the other side of the field. Bad luck I guess…
27: Congratulations, you’re going to average 7 interceptions per season.
28: Scatback.
29: Whether you’re a Running Back, Fullback, Corner, or Safety, you shouldn’t be wearing this disgusting excuse for a number. And if you are, you should be cut immediately.
30: You’re the upback in punt formation whose career highlight was that one fake punt where you carried the ball for 8 yards and got the first down.
31: On Monday Night Football, Jon Gruden doesn’t stop raving about your ability to make tackles in the open field. You take pride in knocking receivers on their ass in press coverage.
32: You are a short yardage specialist who sticks around in the league only because you once ran for 14 TDs in a season. Your hands are made of granite.
33: When you signed with the team as a free agent, you paid a backup $10k for this number. Let me tell you what we’re all thinking: IT WASN’T WORTH IT. A Nickel Corner is all you’ll ever be.
34: You’re no Sweetness, but hot damn you’re smooth with the ball in your hands. You run just a little too upright and will have fumbling problems early in your career until you figure it out and become an All-Pro.
35: You’re a Fullback with solid hands. One season, you’ll end up with enough receiving touchdowns and 1-yd TD runs that you may even make a Pro Bowl.
36: You’re a slow Running Back. Sorry bout it.
37: As a premier Strong Safety, the only stats you care about are Unnecessary Roughness penalties and tackles for a loss.
38: See #29 above and seriously reconsider your life choices.
39: Show some goddamn respect for yourself and get some new digits.
40: You’re a Safety, period.
41: You will endure somewhere between 8 and 12 concussions per season during your time at the Fullback position. But you will also block for somewhere between 8 and 12 consecutive 1,000 yard rushers. Worth it? You sure think so.
42: You are a heady player who respects the history of the game (and this number). You know the playbook inside and out and are a valuable veteran presence in the secondary.
43: You’re obviously being taken out in goal-to-go situations. But don’t worry, you are one of the better receiving backs in the league. Plus you can return kicks!
44: I’m not sure anyone has ever worn this number in the history of football. You chose it precisely because it is so rare and you will define what its true essence becomes.
45: You’re a pass rush specialist and unfortunately nothing in the 50s was open. If you get more than 5 sacks you’ll be guaranteed a better number next year.
46: You’re a between-the-tackles runner who rushes for 890 yards and 10 TDs while averaging only 3.2 yards per carry. You’re body just won’t hold up for more than 6 seasons.
47: Just, no.
48: You will play at least 15 years in the league and make around $10mil as a Long Snapper. You have the best golf handicap on the team.
49: You’re the 4th string Tight End who has no real talent but has been elected Special Teams Captain for 3 years straight.
50: You’re that Linebacker that always jumps on goal line plays to try and make a mid-air stop as the RB is diving over the pile. Unfortunately, you lack the size to actually make the play and always give up the TD.
51: You are the starting MLB. You’re the captain of the defense and no one is fucking with you on the field or off. You will tear the ACLs of AT LEAST six opposing Running Backs throughout your storied career.
52: You have the talent of a #51, but your just a bit too nice to ever become that true bone-crunching killer.
53: I really, really hope you’re good on special teams…
54: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, throw over the middle when you are on the field. Frankly, I’m getting queasy just thinking about that hit you put on that poor slot receiver last year.
55: The label of Run Stuffer is a badge you wear proudly and you are lauded by announcers for “playing downhill.”
56: If it’s a clear passing down, you are in the game and chances are, you’re getting a hit on the Quarterback. You have a signature sack dance that every kid in your team’s city thinks is the coolest shit ever.
57: You’re actually a backup Center who signed late in camp and miraculously made the squad. You figured that even though numbers in the 60s and 70s have opened up, you’ll stick with this abomination because it’s worked out for you so far.
58: You’re the other Middle Linebacker in a 3–4 defense. You play sideline to sideline and are excellent in pass coverage.
59: Multiple coaches have said that you’ll “make a great coach someday” right after they cut your ass.
60–68: Offensive Guard and/or Center.
69: You’re the class clown. You won’t ever start but they give you a locker right next to the best lineman on the team to keep him in a good mood. You’re just happy to be here.
70–76: Offensive Tackle.
77: Pro-Bowl Offensive Tackle.
78–79: Offensive Tackle.
80: You’re a purely receiving Tight End. You care about blocking as much as #29 cares about looking good on Sundays. Oh, and you better be at least 6'5.
81: You probably have the best hands on the team and will finish with over 100 catches at least five times. If your team needs a first down on 3rd and 7, everyone knows the ball is coming to you.
82: You came into the league as the sporting long dreadlocks but cut them after a dirty safety tackled you by the hair. Now you’re searching for your new identity.
83: You’re the undersized, scrappy white Wide Receiver. You’re a fan favorite with impeccable route running and a high motor.
84: Frankly this number should be retired from all of football. But if you dare wear it, you better be 6'4 with a 4.4 forty time who’s last name sounds excellent after the phrase “GOING DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP TO….”
85: You’ve never fair-caught a punt or kneeled on a kickoff return in your entire life.
86: DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS NUMBER. PLEASE MOVE RIGHT ALONG.
87: You’re the Tight End whose scouting report starts with “excellent run blocker.” You don’t even wear gloves.
88: “POSSESSION RECEIVER” might as well be tattooed to your forehead. When you drop a pass you take it a little too personally and you’d really rather not talk about your forty time…
89: Unlike poor #88, you’re the fastest dude out here. You go full-speed at all times. Your yard totals are always high but your TD numbers are lacking. You’re definitely not over 6'0".
90: You are constantly fighting to keep your weight down. The conditioning test at the start of camp literally keeps you up at night. But god damn you’re strong. You eat double teams for breakfast…along with 8 eggs and a 12-pack of Krispy Kremes.
91: You have a signature move that torches offensive tackles for a decade. Seriously, that move of yours never gets old.
92: Your sack numbers are off the charts for a DT. You absolutely own hapless Guards who have been moved inside because they couldn’t cut it at Tackle.
93: You’re not out here to look good. You’re out here to fight people. You have a bad habit of taking your helmet off when you get into brawls at practice.
94: You wear a little too much eye black. By the end of the game, that shit is dripping down your size XXXL jersey.
95: You’re a Defensive End in a 3–4 defense. You will max out at 7.5 sacks but somehow still get massively overpaid.
96: You deeply cherish being described as a hybrid. As a fast, versatile, new age Linebacker, numbers in the 50s are a little too “old school” for you.
97: You’re a Defensive End that wears an RB’s facemask and swears you could play on offense if someone just gave you the chance. In your defense, you do have legit wheels.
98: The word “finesse” is not in your vocabulary. One of your career’s shining moments was the NFL Combine Bench Press.
99: You grew up eating Quarterback-and-cheese Lunchables every day at recess. Now, you’re the best D-Lineman on your team and it’s not even close. You were born to wear this number and strike fear into opposing offensive linemen.
