I understand why my dad wasn’t around, because he couldn’t have been and I turned out who I am. I think I would’ve been limited with his leadership. This isn’t to say he wouldn’t have anything to offer, I believe he would’ve. Even more so, I still feel as if I needed him to be around when I was a kid. There is a void and scar over not having that, or understanding why I didn’t get that. However, this is where a good bit of my strength lies. Not all of it, maybe a 1/3 of it, haha — like really I think just 33%. The other 1/3 would be from the women in my life, specifically my family and the last portion would be from my life’s experiences. Life experiences is the most broad subject that encompasses things like religion, relationships, jobs, failures, wins, etc. This last one is my favorite section, the women in my life would be the most sentimental and my dad is the hard, ugly part. They all hurt the most, equally now, they didn’t before I was imbalanced with my pain and could shift the pain more in any category that would take it. Not controlling my pain, or “working through it,” would’ve almost destroyed me if it wasn’t for grace.

Hmmm, that got off topic, even though it was a flow of consciousness. I don’t like the comma in the sentence before, but I’m not going to research its validity. I thinks it’s too late at night for a MLA research assignment. I digress.

Also, I think it is for similar reason that my step-dad (whom I stinking adore more than I am consciously able to realize) wasn’t an aggressive figure in my life. Though he was very influential in my ability to navigate an outside world, he wasn’t an active part in it. It’s in no way a complaint, nor was it a necessity at the time. The blessing was in the ability to be where I was when I was, and it was mostly because of him. It could’ve been all, 60 or 90%. All I know is he was the main influence and the avenue of certain life experiences early on. These life experiences I encountered with no point of reference on how to handle, for lack of historic narratives. Till this day I don’t know if because he is white and I am black, or because he believed it was necessary. One thing is for sure, I never let on that I needed guidance about anything. So with that being said, I don’t really put dadd-o in the category with pain that my real dad is in. That makes me happy, the revelation of that. I put him in the life experiences category, the one I’m still learning and living through. Crazy thing is, that they are all connected. The women in my life and most specifically include my mom. My mom is a huge part of that section and she was the one involved with my father to create number one section of dad issue. And the dad issues spawn by the divorce of my parents lead to the remarriage of my mom to my step-dad. If that makes sense to you, we are going to get along just fine!