HISTORY: D TEAM “WINS” 69–19
******Editors note: This article is just for fun and in no way should be taken seriously. Much like this team.
The BYX D Team joined the all time greats Thursday night, “winning” by a remarkable score of 69 to 19 over Sigma Chi B. The team continued their “perfect” season by advancing to “3–0”, though TCU IM officials inexplicably have yet to award the team any wins in the stat-books.
In a night that saw it all, the team put on a perfectly orchestrated performance to achieve their week long mantra of “the quest for 69.” It was a night the team will never forget in its storied history.
“Tonight we showed (no) effort like never before” head coach Jacob Bechtoldt said, or at least that’s what we think. “Kobe’s 81 point game, Reggie’s 8 points in 9 seconds, D Team’s 69 points — that’s some great company.”
It was thrillingly un-thrilling contest that got dicey in the first quarter, with the score knotted 14–14 at one point. The D Team was able to perfectly execute every planned play though to eventually “distance” themselves from their opponent.
The biggest highlight may have been early in the first half when point-guard James Herz, coming off an impressive two game absence streak, took the snap from Nathan Sanchez after yelling “Omaha” and drained a near half court shot.
“I felt like Peyton Manning in the Super-Bowl out there,” Herz said, I mean that’s a reasonable assumption. “I’ll tell ya, the Broncos are easily the best team in the NFL. Forget this, I’m going to Disneyland, and Von Miller is buying me a lot of root beer.”
Barrett Baledge once again struggled, sinking several quality threes, but compensated for his play when he converted from deep on a bad look to put the D Team at 19 points and in position to cruise/completely give up.
“Sometimes bad habits can work out for the better, like tonight,” Baledge almost certainly said, or did he? “Must have been the CP3 jersey. That was for you Kyle Gossett. I know you love CP3 more than anyone else.”
The victory also featured the return of power forward Bennett Mercer, who was also riding an impressive two game absence streak in which he went around singing with a bunch of frat-boys in purple jackets. Though the absence streak came to an end, Mercer was still able to keep his point total at an impressive zero.
“It’s great to be back on the hardwood again, that falcon defense was just like good ole times,” Mercer likely proclaimed. “Just remember Wayne Gretzky’s quote — 100 percent of the shots you don’t take are worth two in the bush. I think.” (He actually did say that)
Power forward Dean Straka also swished a three that he had absolutely no business taking, but it worked out.
“You know what, it was just too easy,” Straka said, we’re definitely sure on that one.
Sources have also confirmed that former TCU student Matt Warwick, who predicted the score of 69–19, is ecstatic.
“Oh boy, it feels like Christmas morning right now,” Warwick said, it sounds about right. “I guess the only better thing would be if the Cubs won it all. Or the Astros. Even the Blackhawks and the Rockets too. Kyle Schwarber, Carlos Correa, Patrick Kane and James Harden should all enter the presidential race.”
Whatever was said, if you weren’t there tonight, you missed one heck of a show. The team gets back to action against Sigma Nu next Thursday.