Lesbians Can’t Be Sluts?

a rant, which doesn’t even begin to cover how strongly I feel about the dehumanization of lesbians, as well as other LGBTQ+ people, in the media and society

What is a slut? A “volunteer prostitute”. A girl who “spreads her legs for every guy”. What about a girl who “spreads her legs” for every girl? The other day I asked some of my close guy friends how many girls they had slept with in the past two and a half months. The answers varied from one to six. They asked me why I wanted to know and I said that some of my friends from high school think my numbers over the past two and a half months (since my ex and I broke up) are kinda high. They asked me how many people I had slept with. I told them five. To this, my friend, let’s call him E, responds;

“Yea but those were all or mostly girls right? So it like doesn’t really count”

“How do they not count?” I ask, perplexed

“Cause like you don’t have a dick inside you, like stretching you out and shit.” He said, matter-of-factually. I stare at him blankly and in pure aw.

“Dude, the vagina is a muscle, it doesn’t like permanently stretch out.”

“Yes it does, trust me.” He said, quite sure of himself

“No it doesn’t, trust me, I would know, I actually have one.” I said sharply

After this the conversation was over and I was left with that crazy notion in my head. There is this idea of lesbians and the way we have sex, which is perpetuated by the lack of LGBTQ education, and it’s just so off base. How is sex between two women any less than sex between a man and a woman? I, personally, have experienced both and there is nothing more intimate and passionate than the sex I’ve had with women. Now, granted, I am not sexually attracted to men so sex with them was never going to be that great, but I feel my point is valid, nonetheless.

Lesbians are often dehumanized in society and the media. We are portrayed to be nothing more than various sexually fantasies to be fulfilled for men. I’ve had male friends of mine make comments about how I “just haven’t had good dick yet” or asking me to “find a bi girl and have a threesome” with them. I know they’re joking and fucking around, however, it can be upsetting. Regardless of the fact that these boys are some of the sweetest, funniest, nicest guys I know, and they don’t mean it offensively, it makes you think. If even the nicest of guys make thoughtless, insensitive comments like that, then what do other people think? And what do other people say? And how can I help to end the perpetuation of these stereotypes, not only about lesbians but about everyone within the queer community?

UrbanDictionary defines “slut” as;

“A girl that’s fucked so many guys she can’t close her legs anymore.”

How many is “so many guys”? 2? 5? 10? Is it the number of guys a girl sleeps with or the number of times she sleep with them? Would it be more or less slutty if you slept with the same guy more than once, even if it were just a hookup? And what does it mean when it says “she can’t close her legs anymore”? Can she physically not close her legs? Did all the fucking break her hips?

“A woman with the morals of a man.”

I find this one to be pretty amusing. It’s so blunt and I can just imagine the pride that illuminated from the beautiful human being who thought this and had the courage to say it. This person is spitting some real shit. Prime example: one of my male friends I spoke about earlier has had sex with six people in the past two and a half months. I have slept five in the past two and a half months. I’m not trying to deny that five is a lot of people, but how is my five more shocking than his six? And how is it suddenly okay that I slept with these five people when it’s made known that they were women?

There is an article called “Why Queer Women Cannot, By Definition, Be Sluts” by Kate Carraway, in which she says “slut doesn’t exist as an idea without its association with shame. A slut without shame is not a slut at all, and a queer slut is, mostly, freed from all of the still-in-effect stigmas and judgments of straight straight-up sluts.” The article mostly refers to queer women who sleep with other women, so for arguments sake let’s just say lesbians, because bisexual women could be considered a slut, if only by the number of men she’s slept with. That being said, let’s discuss. I’ll level with you, Carraway has a point and, yes, by societies standards lesbians can’t be sluts. However, when you really think about it how fair is that? It’s not. It’s not fair to straight or bisexual women who are slandered and ridiculed and persecuted for the number of sexual relationships they’ve had. It’s also unfair to lesbians, because you’re basically telling us that our sex isn’t real, swiftly kicking us down from human to fetish.

Setting aside the fact that it doesn’t matter who anyone sleeps with, as long as all parties involved are on the same page, and we shouldn’t persecute anyone for committing what you consider to be a sin when we ourselves are all sinners. Putting all that aside, HOW ARE YOU, A STRAIGHT MALE, GONNA TELL ME, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, THAT THEIR SEX ISN’T REALLY SEX??? How are you going to tell me that the most beautiful, intimate act two woman can partake in doesn’t really count because there’s no dick? Why does it matter what kind of sex it is? If a straight couple has oral, vaginal, or anal sex it’s still sex. If a gay couple has oral, or anal sex it’s still sex. So why don’t the various types of lesbian sex count as sex? Lack of male genitalia does not equal lack of real sex. Alright? Repeat it. Lack of male genitalia does not equal lack of real sex. If penetration is what you’re looking for, we’ve got penetration. We have endless types of toys for this, but, we also have our fingers.

If a girl told you she had slept with five guys over the past two and a half months what would you think? You’d most likely immediately jump to the conclusion that she is a slut. And what if a guy told you he had slept with five girls in the same period of time? My bet is you would think he’s a player. A player and a slut have, more or less, the same definitions. The difference is one is a negative and the other is a positive. But, if a girl told you she had slept with five girls within the same time frame, what is your first thought? You’re probably a little taken back by the fact that a girl fucked five girls, but you’re also probably not as shocked, or disgusted by it. And if you’re a straight male (I’m not saying every straight guy ever thinks this, I’m generalizing), I’m guessing you’re reaction is something of the sexist, fetish persuasion, whether or not you realize it.

The ever enveloping patriarch of which our society is made tells us that lesbian sex is for man’s pleasure. In porn, lesbian sex is portrayed in a way that is so clearly created for the straight, male audience. The porn industry turns lesbian sex into a fetish. It’s put in a box, and things that might not appeal to their audience, or play along with the fetishization of lesbians, are left out and never acknowledged. I find this very upsetting because of how many young men and women, especially girls who are confused about their own sexuality, are being falsely educated on the subject.

I am not a slut because of the gender I have sex with. I am not a slut because of the fetish that has been built around my sexuality. I am not a slut, or maybe I am. But if the former is the case, these are not the reasons I maintain my “purity”. If the latter, then so be it. Call me a slut, or don’t, but don’t base your decision on the gender of the person I’m fucking and don’t try to shame me for my personal choices, which have no effect on you.