Finding passion

It’s hard to believe that time can pass so quickly. Well, in reality, time is passing at the same rate, it just feels as if it’s passing quickly. And yet, it still remains hard to believe.

It is incredibly difficult to believe — or, rather, recognize — that it has been 366 days since I got a phone call after my midterm in Spanish that my mom had taken her own life earlier that morning.

An entire year is a long period of time that we, as humans, have used to define ourselves. We often catch ourselves saying things like, “Last year sucked. This year — this year is going to be the one for me!” While this may be what it feels like to us, it’s just our poor perception trying to account for a less-than-ideal year. We’re better than we give ourselves credit for. That much is absolutely certain.

And yet, for me, I’d be lying if I said the last 366 days of my life were crappy, awful, or whatever superlative you can think of. Yes, I lost my mother — the one person who was always there for me and would text me just to say she was thinking of me. Yes, I lost the person who, despite my own beliefs as a teenager, was responsible for helping shape me into the man I am today.

Despite this intense and extraordinary loss in my life, the past 366 days have been filled with joy, triumph, and success.

When I lost my mother, it was clear that I had forever lost a piece of me. But even though she was no longer here and a part of me was missing, I began to fill that void with something that she would have wanted me to replace it with: passion.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines our modern sense of passion as:

any strong, controlling, or overpowering emotion, as desire, hate, fear, etc.; an intense feeling or impulse

Passion takes many forms — both negatively-keyed forms and positively-keyed forms. That’s sort of the “beauty” of passion, in a sense. It can work in many ways and can describe a litany of things in your life.

But what is passion to me? Well, it’s something that you love and cherish. It’s something that you feel so strongly about that it becomes part of you. That’s passion.

And when I started my journey into academia many years ago, I never thought I would get as far as a graduate degree. I never thought I would even transfer from my lowly community college to a four-year university. But, that’s what passion does. It enables you to accomplish the previously unimaginable. It allows you to ignore the self-imposed barriers that you claim are holding you back from doing what you want to do.

If you can find passion in something, anything… you need to grab a hold of it and never let go. Hold on for as long as you can. Whether your passion is another human being, a discipline, a place, or even a trade — believe in yourself and fully allow yourself to become passionate about your passion.

You’re not married to your passion. You’re not going to be stuck with it forever. You might be, and if it benefits you and guides you, then great. Otherwise, if what you choose or believe to be your passion ends up not working out, then fine. It’s okay. You can find something else in these beautiful world and make it yours. That’s the beauty of being human — we are open to different passions at different times of our lives.

In the past 366 days, I’ve found a handful of people, places, and things to be passionate about. I’ve made these passions part of my life and they’ve worked wonders to fill the void left by the absence of my mother. I believed that I could find love, care, and attention in my own passions and I made it a reality. And I made it through.

If you experience the loss of someone close to you, it may feel difficult at the time to make it through. Death ostensibly manifests itself as something much greater than you can handle. The cognitive load of someone close to you leaving this world can cripple some people. And it’s okay. We are human. We are not perfect. This is what makes us human. And that’s just fine.

On March 10th, 2015, I thought I would never overcome the circumstances. I did not think I could persevere through this treacherous terrain that we call life without my mom. But through the love of my close friends, family, and loved ones, I made it through better than ever. Yeah, most of the heavy lifting was done by me when I was tossing and turning and crying in bed alone at night. But despite those tough moments and even tougher nights, I made it through.

I am proud, ecstatic, and excited to say that after 366 days without my mom or my dad behind me, I am on the cusp of receiving a graduate degree and moving on to my next phase in life. I’m excited to say that I overcame the greatest adversity in my life. I’m proud to say that even without the woman who shaped me, I continued to hold together that shape.

And it’s not because I’m naive to heartbreak and loss. It’s not because I’m better than anyone else. It’s because I worked diligently to find my passions and become passionate about them. I relied on my friends and loved ones to lend an ear to me when I needed it most. I reconnected with family members on my dad’s side, who I hadn’t talked to in years. They made my holiday season one that I will never forget. I reached out, outside of my comfort zone, and found passion.

My advice to you is this: if you lose someone you care about, someone so close to you that life seems impossible without them: take a step back. Think about yourself for a moment. I know it’s hard, but do it. You’re just as important as anyone else in your life. You come before you. They will understand.

Find your passions. Find what you love. Find who you love. Find where you love. Use all of those people, places, and things to become something greater than you would have ever expected. It is here that you will find solace. It is here that you will find the strength to overcome such great adversity as death and loss. It is here that you will become passionate.

I think about my mom every day. I think about the last conversation we had, the last time we saw one another. I think about what she would be saying to me if she were standing right next to me today. I think about it all.

And even in those most difficult moments, those most hard to bear minutes, I find ways to reassure myself that she’s happy and that she’s proud. I reassure myself that she’s somewhere smiling because even though she knew I would be okay, it sure feels nice to know that I’m okay.

Goodbye for now, mom. I’ll make sure to take your advice and go do big things. I’ll make sure to continue to be passionate. I’ll make sure to make my passions part of me and not just temporary. I’ll make sure to continue moving forward, despite what stands in my way.

I’ll make sure to be a better man than who you thought I’d be, even on my best day.

I’ll see you someday. I can’t wait to tell you everything.