My Tale of Depression: Chapter I

It was early March of 2014 that I noticed something serious was going on inside my mind, something greater than the social anxiety I had been suffering from in the previous 12 months. It was on the day I had my first panic attack sitting in a Chemistry lecture when suddenly I felt my chest tighten, my arms trembling and my legs numbing. A close friend accompanied me to the college doctor to assure me that nothing was physically wrong with me, this should have made me feel more calm but I then knew that there was something greater afflicting my mental state.

Days, weeks even a month had passed and I seemed to be feeling great. Then came May, I had steadily seeped into a depression, increasingly becoming more and more overwhelmed. On May 22nd, I had my first attempt at taking my own life. I calmly took a belt secured it around my neck, tied it to a railing and dropped. The next thing I can remember is awakening with a feeling of both shame and confusion. I had only told one person about what had happened that night, my girlfriend at the time, to whom I vowed I would seek help for my depression.

It was not until late July that I told my parents about what had happened and the severity of my condition. It was on yet another lonely night where I found myself struggling to cope with anxiety and the intense despair. I called my mother asking her to hurry home when she arrived I was already in a corner trembling violently, teary eyed hidden under a blanket. “I need help”, I said to her, as she hugged me and tried to steady my nerves; it was then I told her of what had happened two months previous. She immediately burst into a fit of tears, this was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. She reassured me that she would do everything possible to get me better.

The following month I was referred to the local psychiatrist. Immediately they adjusted my medication and put me on a waiting list for Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I began to feel ever more optimistic about my prospects of recovery.

Although as time passed it was evident that the continual adjustments to my medication were proving ineffective. I began to become increasingly unstable disappearing for hours as I contemplated suicide. I regret how my actions during this time affected those around me. These constant erratic behaviours eventually created tensions in most of my relationships, especially with my girlfriend which lead to an inevitable break-up. The break-up happened two weeks into the new college semester and just after my first admission to a psychiatric hospital. The visit to hospital was a very unsettling experience for me, due to my phobia of hospitals as well as the daunting environment of a psychiatric facility.

Although it did give me time to reflect on my condition and lead to three significant changes in my life; not all of which were positive, the first being the break-up, the second was my prescription to lithium and thirdly was the conceived idea of a Walk & Talk Society.

The break-up was extremely difficult for me as I had lost my best friend and the one person I had confided in throughout this entire experience. The recent events lead me to become increasingly suicidal with multiple attempts arising as a result. I realised that I would need support so I opened up to a few great friends who kindly helped me. I will be eternally grateful for their support. It took courage from the people around to keep me safe, one such instance was talking me down from the ledge of The Helix car park. If it wasn’t for my friends’ patience, understanding and compassion I most likely would not be alive right now.

Sadly this placed a lot of strain on my friendships and ultimately destroyed many strong and promising friendships, something I cannot forgive myself for. One day when I was feeling lonely, I decided to go to DCU to find someone anyone, to talk to. I suddenly became weak and the next thing I knew I was on the ground outside the nursing building surrounded by people and emergency responders. I had, taken a seizure. It remains unclear as to whether the lithium I had been prescribed induced this seizure or not, but at that time it was decided that I should come off lithium.

After long discussions with my psychiatrist it was decided that I receive Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) treatment for my depression and anxiety. I found this highly disconcerting, the thought of having electrical shocks pulsed through my brain to change its chemistry disturbed me greatly; not to mention the side effects of memory loss and disorientation, yet I decided to proceed anyway. At this point I felt that I had no other options left and felt bitterly hopeless about my future. The idea of returning to the “madhouse” — as some patients refer to the facility — was quite terrifying as my previous experiences were not in anyway positive.

Thankfully the treatment proved to be partially successful, as I received some respite from the grasps of my depression and anxiety. During this time where my mood had elevated to an almost normal level, I had been experiencing some disorientation and memory loss. This lead me to act out of character sometimes and sadly I said and did somethings that upset others which I’m wholeheartedly regretful and apologetic of now.

These events have brought me into the reclusive state I find myself in now. Each day becoming increasingly more difficult as I no longer have the motivation to get and become active. Coming to terms with the loneliness and isolation of my day-to-day has proven extremely difficult, despite my family’s good intentions and best efforts to help, they sometimes become intrusive which only furthers my reclusion. This also brings about tensions throughout family life that has become overwhelming for me. Recently causing me to succumb to the suicidal thoughts encroaching in my mind, and make another attempt on my life. I don’t know whether my survival has been because of fate, dumb-luck or just my own stupidity but all I know is that I’m still here and I still need help.

Throughout the course of my illness, I have loved and I have lost many great people. I’m grateful to have been surrounded by such support from all aspects of my life; family, friends, college and medical support alike. I’m currently scheduled to begin another course of ECT and to start CBT soon after. I may be unrecovered, broken but not beyond recovery and repair. The story goes on…