Study Suggests Sweeping PTSD Across America Caused by New Credit Card Chip-Readers

Are chip-readers like these causing mental health problems?

In an emerging breakthrough study published in the Harvard Science Review, mental health experts have identified a new cause of post-traumatic stress disorders affecting millions of Americans. These studies report that new chip-based card readers are at fault for men and women in retail establishments across the country suddenly bursting into fight-or-flight reactions to the frightening new technology.

The new EMV chip technology is to blame for acts of desperation in hundreds of recent mental health cases.

One unnamed woman was quoted on her experience: “It used to be so simple. I swiped my card and picked up my latte. Now I break out into cold-sweats at the register. Any time I hear a beep at home, even the microwave, I jerk my arm back as if I’m removing my card from those new readers.”

Scientists also found an impact on sleep, suggesting the PTSD symptoms are more similar to those affected by natural disasters or near-death experiences than they had originally concluded. The same affected woman went on:

“They’re so intimidating, with those big, bold letters — REMOVE CARD NOW. What happened to the simple times when I could swipe my Nordstrom credit card to buy my everything bagel and the latest issue of Cosmo without worrying if I’m going to sleep at night? I was so worked up last time, I forgot to ask for low-fat cream cheese.”

Elderly men and women have experienced particularly extreme struggles. These Depression Era survivors are pulling their cash out of their freezers and from under their mattresses, completely ditching plastic cards all-together. One man commented that he had not experienced anything like this since Vietnam.

“I’ll take my rifle back and put on my boots! Just get rid of those blasted card readers! The only way to stop that incessant beeping in my head and the nightly insomnia is to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of the Normandy Beach scene from Saving Private Ryan.”

While the solution to card readers is unclear, Facebook pages like “Chip Reader Support Group” have emerged with tens of thousands of followers.

Our reporters attempted to contact major credit card issuers Visa and MasterCard to ask about how countries in Europe have dealt with these startling devices for so many years. While they have not commented conclusively on the new studies, Jim got a really good balance transfer offer from Capital One.

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