Not a good sign.

Wait and See

Or I Don’t Think the Camera is Supposed to go There!

Quick thanks to all the people who sent me nice messages and what not. It was nice to receive and I appreciate it. Also, I do not think I am dying.


In case you missed the last post, here is a quick recap:

I pooped blood, went to the doctor, got a finger up the butt, and am going to see another doctor to get more stuff done, probably to my butt.

Ok, you’re caught up.

Today I went to see the other doctor. The experience was more of the same: What brings you in? Fill out this paper. Sit over there. This time I brought a Wired magazine that I hadn’t read yet, so the time passed a lot faster.

I wasn’t seeing the doc today, instead I saw the PA, which is better. PAs tend to be friendlier and more hands on than doctors. Except that last doc. She couldn’t keep her finger out of my butt.

We talked about what has been going on. I described in detail what my poops looked like. The words I used were “Like a tree trunk in a lake of blood.” She appreciated my description and asked me questions:

“Does it hurt here?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.”

“Does that mean you know what it is?”

“We need to do a colonoscopy.”

“Awesome!”

For those who don’t know what a colonoscopy is I will break it down for you in layman’s terms.

  1. Take a concoction of medicines that will make you poop your brains out. Go ahead, do it.
  2. Spend time on your toilet. Try not to cry. Smile through the explosion of liquid from your butt.
  3. Go to bed nervous that you might actually shit the bed.
  4. Wake up early to take another poop encouraging concoction.
  5. Repeat second step.
  6. Go to hospital, to a special wing just for camera shoving. Get an IV and wait for the fun to start.
  7. Fall asleep and pray that you don’t remember what happens next.
  8. Wake up. Express a desire for something to drink or eat. Be forced to fart before they will give you anything.
  9. Go home and go to sleep.

At some point between eight and nine the doctor comes in and tells you what they saw/did/removed. You smile and nod like a goofy bastard, understanding nothing and hoping someone is taking notes.

So how does one deal with knowing that you have to have a camera, which I assume is IMAX sized, inserted into your person? And to be clear, by person I mean butt. I have come up with two ways of handling it. One, share it with the world. What more could my 174k followers want, than a blow by blow of my butt problems. Two, Ukulele.

Do distract myself from WebMD and its ilk, I have decided to learn the Ukulele. My mom had one lying around and I have always wanted to learn a strumming instrument, so what better way to pass the time.

To be concluded…*

*on or around the 28th of February.


Follow me on Medium or on Twitter. I also have Patreon and a blog. If you liked this story, please recommend it so others can read all about my butt problems.

Dylan Reed has always been interested in a good story. Raised without a TV he spent a lot of time with books and loves reading. Dylan has been a professional entertainer, studied commercial diving, and loves random trivia. He brings all of this and more together in his stories.

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