What Brings You in Today?
or That Time I Pooped Blood
Not too long ago I went to the bathroom, number 2 to be specific, and when I stood up to inspect my work I saw, to my horror, that there was blood in the water. Enough blood to make me concerned. The water wasn’t a bright red, but it wasn’t a pastel pink either.
I have had hemorrhoids in the past. And like all things that have to do with your butt, they are not to be spoken of. It is not a good conversation starter, “Hey, I have hemorrhoids.” All because it is on your butt.
Hemorrhoids, those nasty little butt hole pimples, sometimes burst. When they burst you will find blood on your wiping material of choice. It is like a cat scratch worth of blood. Nothing to worry about, but can be a surprise. As an added bonus, it will now itch the rest of the day.
But this time, the amount of blood I saw was not on the wiping material, but instead all over the bowl of the toilet. It had splattered and splashed and was disgusting. My first reaction was “What!?!” followed by a more calm, “ What the actual fuck is happening?” Immediately I made doctor’s appointment.
When I texted Sarah about it, which is a normal thing to text to your spouse, she asked, “Did you check for ketchup packets under the seat?” Because that is the best\worst practical joke. I had checked. Not ketchup.
The next day when I went to the doctor’s office to get checked out, I assumed that it wasn’t going to be fun. I had already been playing through the worst case scenarios, which in my mind involved a stranger examining my butt hole. I mean that is the worst that could happen, right?
They weighed me, I was please to learn that I was wearing eight pounds of clothes, asked me for my height, and sat me in a room. They asked me all sorts of questions about drugs, tobacco and allergies. Then we got to the fun question.
“What brings you in today?”
I had already told the lady on the phone, the receptionist, and they apparently hadn’t written it down. Do a lot of people lie about rectal bleeding to get the free finger up the butt? Internally I rolled my eyes and explained the situation.
He was very polite about the whole thing. After taking my blood pressure and temperature, he left me waiting for the doctor to come in.
Eventually there was a knock at the door and in walked the doctor. This was a new doctor to me, because I am bad at going to the doctor. Not anything against doctors, but I don’t go unless I feel bad. Which Rebecca the Receptionist told me was a bad idea.
The doc was a nice lady, dark hair shot with grey. She sat down on the rolling stool and started asking me questions. Diet, family history, all that jazz. Then we got to the question of the day.
“What brings you in today?”
Sighing, I explained everything again. She asked more specific questions and then said the words that everyone wants to hear at the doctors office.
“You know I am going to have to do a rectal exam.”
Not a question, but a statement of fact. The only way to get to the bottom of things was to dig in and figure it out. All I could think was a very confused “Yay.”
Because I am me I said, “Only if you buy me dinner first.”
And too my surprise she started to laugh. Not the indulgent laugh of the ticket taker at a movie theater who says “Enjoy your show,” and you say “You too.” But a belly laugh of someone who understands the situation fully.
After we finished laughing it was back to business. She handed me a thin paper sheet and stepped out of the room. This being my first rectal exam I dropped my pants and laid on my stomach on the table.
When she came back in she took one look at me and laughed again. She had me roll over on one side and took up her position near my butt. I heard the squish sound as she squeezed lube onto her gloved hand and prepared myself.
How does one prepare for a rectal exam? All I could think about was that instead of the dinner joke I should have gone with the, “But I haven’t studied,” joke. I cleared my mind. I went to my happy place. I took deep breathes.
And then I was pulled back into the present.
After she was done she threw the glove away and left giving me a chance to get dressed. When she came back in she explained that she hadn’t found anything that would explain the blood. And that I would probably need to get a colonoscopy done.
Until then I just need to be careful and not poop out too much blood. So I am trying that out.
To be continued…
Dylan Reed has always been interested in a good story. Raised without a TV he spent a lot of time with books and loves reading. Dylan has been a professional entertainer, studied commercial diving, and loves random trivia. He brings all of this and more together in his stories.